Those of you readers who are familiar with the works of Kahlil Gibran will recognize my inspiration in writing these pieces of profound wisdom.

They say to me, "Why do you wear such a look of sorrow?"

And I say to them, "I have gas."

Wise is he who stays close to his friends. Wiser still is he who eats pinto beans.

Pinto beans.

They say to me, "We worry for you, for it seems the angels no longer grace your soul."

And I say to them, "What the fuck are you talking about, you goddamned sons-of-bitches?"

Once I walked along a lonely beach, and as I was walking, a lonely gull flew up to me and said, "Are you not affected by the loneliness of this place?"

And I replied, "Holy shit! A talking bird!"

And he then said, "No no, jackass, I'm a metaphor."

And I said, "Wow, he talked again."

He then said, "No no no, don't you get it? I'm a literary device! I symbolize the--oh, never mind!"

As the lonely gull flew away I said, "A talking bird...I wonder if he also speaks Polish."

They say to me, "How's your hand healing?"

And I say, "Oh, very well thanks."

Love manifests itself in many shapes and forms...must be why I'm so schizophrenic.

She once told me, "O! how great my love for you! Certainly it is God's will that the glowing beauty of the stars shall shine on our love forever."

Then I told her, "My tallywhacker itches."

A chair is not a watermelon.

O, but a chair is a watermelon.

Three men once approached me:

The first man said, "Follow me, and fame shall be yours."

The second man said, "Follow me, and wealth shall be yours."

The third man said, "Follow me, and I'll show you the world."

And I said to them, "Jesus Christ, can't you guys see that I'm taking a shit?"

The flower in full bloom is a lovely sight to behold; indeed it is the lovely sight to behold.

Too bad you're blind in both eyes.

A grade-A horse's ass is one whose soul's license for driving his body has long expired. Now go fuck yourself.

When a woman says she loves a man, she is speaking in half-truth.

When a woman says something logical and rational, she is absolutely lying.

And I smell the flowers in the garden, and pity the man with no nose.

And I hear the laughter of children, and pity the deaf man.

And I taste fine wine, and pity the man whose tongue was cut out.

And I taste more wine, and pity the few brain cells that died to give me a buzz.

And I drink yet more wine, and pity my pants.

They say to me, "You are not particularly handsome, nor have you much wit or charm. Yet you hold your head high and wear the look of one satisfied.

And I say to the four of them, "O but two of you have living mothers, the other two of you with sisters, and last night I screwed them all."

Once I came upon an old man fishing. As I walked past I noticed he had caught many large fish, so I approached him to ask of the bait he used.

When I asked, he replied, "Holy shit! A talking bird!"

I then said, "Clearly the sun has poisoned your mind."

He then said, "Wow he talked again!"

I replied, "Perhaps you should seek medical attention."

When he heard this, he began to fling his poop at me, to which I reacted by kicking him into the lake.

Crazy bastard.

For the truly wise, happiness is but a sun's ray away.

But seeing how it's cloudy, maybe you should kill yourself.

True beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, but rather in my bed chamber singing the praises of the great one that is me.