The Citrus Chronicles

TWO

And so it began. Sir Ascorbic Acid, High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition, started his journey to seek the habitat of one Eight Ball Wizard. He knew that the trek would be wrought with danger. For you see, the Eight Ball Wizard lived in the middle of Nowhere. And to get to the middle of nowhere, you have to go through one half of Nowhere. AND, as anyone could guess, there are a lot of strange beasts throughout Nowhere. It was even widely whispered that a two-headed rabbit-eating giraffe-howler monkey hybrid had made its way to nowhere. However, Sir Ascorbic Acid knew what he had to do, and thus began his trip. After 8 days of searching, 7 stings from swank-bees, 6 steps in cowpies, and a close encounter with 5 rabid chipmunks, Sir Ascorbic Acid found the dwelling place of the Eight Ball Wizard...

"Oh, I'm tired. I'm beaten down by the elements, my body is exhausted, and I'm talking to myself. If only I could find the shanty of...WAIT! Over there! That shack! It just might be...YES! The house of the Eight Ball Wizard! Now, let's go consult him...."

Our brave hero knocks on the old door, and it opens as if by magic--and someone speaks....

"Can I help you?"

"Yes. Tell me sir, art thou the Eight Ball Wizard?"

"Well, let me think about that one. I'm wearing a cap with an eight ball hanging from the tip. What do you THINK? YES, I'm the Eight Ball Wizard!! And YOU are Sir Ascorbic Acid, the most noble defender of our once glorious realm. I knew that YOU wouldn't sit still for our new cartoon king, and I'm not going to either. Now tell me, what can I do to help?"

"Well, Eight Ball...may I call you Eight Ball?"

"No."

"OK, Eight Ball Wizard, I've come to you for your vision. I cannot save our kingdom alone. I need the help of other warriors--outside warriors."

"Ah, I see," said the Eight Ball Wizard. "Let me consult my magic Eight Ball. Yes, let's gaze into it, and let's see what's in store...yes...something is...Sir Ascorbic Acid, you have been stung by 7 swank-bees."

"Is that a fact? Good God, man, I don't think you need to look in your crystal ba..."

"EIGHT BALL. It's an EIGHT BALL! I don't like crystal balls."

"Sorry, but the EIGHT Ball must be worthless if the only thing it's telling you is that I've been stung 7 times by swank-bees."

"That's not what the Eight Ball told me, jackass! The swank-bees have a special magical luminescent sting. I know that you've been stung because your welts are glowing orange!"

"Holy shit!"

"Yes! And something's coming up in the Eight Ball...Amazing! A warrior strange this way comes."

"But who is it?!"

After a brief pause, the Eight Ball Wizard--with a look of stern amazement--simply replied: "Who indeed...."

THREE

"I am not sure of the name of the warrior", said the Eight Ball Wizard, "but he is strange to the eyes."

"What makes you say that?" replied Sir Ascorbic Acid.

"Well, for one thing, he's shaved bald. Also, he's wearing an orange cloak... the same shade of orange that your welts are glowing."

"Where is he right now?"

"It is difficult to tell, but I would say that he was at least several days journey outside of the Realm of Nutrition...what's this? This man's a lunatic!"

"Why?! What's he doing?!"

"He's singing.", replied the Eight Ball Wizard.

"What's so strange about that?"

"He's singing to a tree!"

"That IS bizarre. Eight Ball Wizard, are you sure this man who is going to help us in our cause?"

"I'm not sure, Sir Ascorbic...may I call you 'Sir Ascorbic'?"

"No."

"Then how about 'Sir Acid'?"

"No!"

By this time, the Eight Ball Wizard was about to laugh himself silly. "How about...'Sir Ass-Ass'?!"

"No, you moron! What's gotten into you??"

After about a minute of maniacal laughter, the Eight Ball Wizard managed to catch his breath. "I'm sorry, Sir Ascorbic Acid, but it seems that my bodily humors were temporarily imbalanced. And I think the cause of the sophisticated imbalance was the power of this warrior! This warrior is truly awesome!"

"Eight Ball Wizard, can you see his name? Do you know this odd warrior's name?"

"Nay, I do not know his name..." then Eight Ball Wizard stopped for a brief moment. He smelled a strange odor, and then turned to Sir Ascorbic Acid.

"What's wrong, Eight Ball Wizard?"

He replied, "Strange. Do you smell...GRAPEFRUITS?!?"

FIVE

"His name is CITRUS?!", asked Sir Ascorbic Acid.

"Indeed!"

"Well, I don't know what kind of name that is, but I don't suppose it matters. You have given me the answers I came here to seek. Thank you, Eight Ball Wizard! You have indeed given me hope."

"You're welcome, Sir Ascorbic Acid. I, too, am hopeful for the future of this glorious realm. Would you care to stay for a little while and celebrate?" replied the Eight Ball Wizard as he pulled out a carafe filled with a strange brown liquid.

Puzzled by the liquid, Sir Ascorbic Acid asked, "Uh, what do you have there, strange man?"

"I call this elanroca. It's a wonderful drink that my family has made for generations. It tastes a little strong, but it really hits the spot if you know what I mean!"

This somewhat infuriated Sir Ascorbic Acid. "I'll have you know that I am the High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition! Never do I cloud my judgement with liquors or weeds! You keep to your drink; I need to head back to Depoy."

"Oh, come on, you can go back to our great capital just as soon as you try one drink of elanroca. One gulp will not cloud your judgement!"

"Fine, let me have a sip."

Sir Ascorbic Acid took the small cup from Eight Ball Wizard's hand. First he eyed the drink. Just as he noticed before, it had an interesting light brownish tan color to it, and the drink was quite translucent. Next he smelled of it; it smelled strong, just as Eight Ball Wizard had described it. Then he lifted the glass to his lips, swallowed down his drink, and...

Sir Ascorbic Acid gagged and made a face that would frighten a demon. "What is this ghastly drink?? Yea, it tasteth like dung!! What is this shit?"

"Well", said Eight Ball Wizard, "some people make drinks by fermenting wheat. Others use corn. And of course, the wine-makers use grapes. But my family has always been inventive and a little out of the mainstream, so we chose a different fruit...acorns!"

"Acorns? That's like something this Citrus warrior would come up with!"

There was a pause.

"Oh well, it doesn't matter. I must be on my way before King Vitamin gets suspicious. Take care of yourself, Eight Ball Wizard. I'm sure we'll be seeing each other before too long. Until next time, then."

The Eight Ball Wizard nodded. "Until next time."

SEVEN

Sir Ascorbic Acid awakened to the sound of crows fighting nearby. After the awakening, he took a look around...he was lying on the bottom of a crudely-fashioned wooden cage, big enough to where he could sit up but not stand. The cage itself was situated next to a wall inside what appeared to be a little old shack. His head was still throbbing a little from the blow that knocked him out in the first place. How long have I been knocked out, he wondered, Days? Weeks? Hours? He wasn't sure.

As his eyes got accustomed to what light was in the shack, he started looking for clues that might let him know who was behind this.

That was when he remembered that he already knew who did this. He remembered looking up, after having been knocked down, and seeing the hideous faces of that most despicable of Deficient families (the Deficients were basically the henchmen of the Realm of Malnutrition. Just as brave Sir Ascorbic Acid defended the Realm of Nutrition, the Deficients defended--if you could call it that--the Realm of Malnutrition). That family of Deficients who drew their name from the very deficiency of ascorbic acid itself. That's right: the McScurvys! At their last encounter, Sir Ascorbic Acid had seen them picking on a three-legged raccoon in a forest outside Depoy. They were yelling at it, calling it bad names, throwing sticks at it...overall just giving it shit. When Sir Ascorbic Acid had arrived, the McScurvys started giving HIM shit--which proved to be disastrous for the foolish McScurvys because Sir Ascorbic Acid gave them shit right back in the form of a nice healthy arse-kickin'. Needless to say the McScurvys quickly retreated, giving Sir Ascorbic Acid a chance to see to the innocent raccoon and send him on his way.

His mind wandered from that memory to the current situation.

"Why do those idiots have me here in this cage?" he thought to himself. "Do they want another ass-kickin'?"

Oh, they were idiots indeed. Three, to be exact. Triplets:

Alvin McScurvy--The oldest. He was generally the most devious of the three, but not generally the brightest. He was a stocky fellow who wore specs and had shoulder-length hair, which was a motley brew of brown, blonde and white. It was him, no doubt, who was behind the capturing of Sir Ascorbic Acid.

Frank McScurvy--Frank had a little more height and was a little more bright than his older brother. Despite his slightly higher intellectual disposition, he was every bit as immature and puerile as Alvin--if not more so.

Cosmo McScurvy--The youngest, tallest, smartest, loudest, and most immature of the McScurvys. Though fundamentally the most clever of the trio, Cosmo was usually too busy whining or arguing with Frank to fully develop a sinister plan of any kind.

Sir Ascorbic Acid, nursing his noggin with his hand, began to look for a weakness in the cage. After looking for ten minutes, he found the weakness that just might allow his escape. Encouraged by his find and the fact that the McScurvys were nowhere to be heard (especially encouraging, since they were so loud and talkative), Sir Ascorbic Acid started to work on his escape.

EIGHT

Sir Ascorbic Acid smiled a great smile when he saw that the McScurvys had forgotten to lock the cage. Then he frowned a great frown when he realized that it had taken him ten minutes to notice that they had forgotten to lock the cage. But then he once again smiled when he realized he was about to become free.

He opened the cage door and slowly walked out to the shack door, listening one more time to see if he could hear any sign of the McScurvys.

Nothing.

Relieved, he started a mad dash out of the shack and toward the hills of Depoy. He ran like mad. He ran as fast as his tired legs would carry him, and carry him they did--30 whole yards.

It seems that the McScurvys had actually left the cage unlocked on purpose, just so they could whack him again when he attempted escape. Cosmo, in a brief fit of organized thinking, had come up with the devious plan to lure Sir Ascorbic Acid out of his cage only to knock him upside the head from behind a tree. Well, the plan worked. There he lay, the great defender of the Realm of Nutrition, barely able to move, moaning in pain, wondering when he would next set foot inside Depoy's city limits.

As he moaned, groaned, and tried to move, the McScurvys stood over him, arguing about what to do to the noble knight they had in their custody.

"Why don't we put him back in the cage and see if this trick'll work again?" suggested Frank. "I bet he'd fall for it again".

"I don't know about that....say, why don't we just start kicking his head? That would be fun!" exclaimed Alvin with a gleam in his eye.

Cosmo started running around, screaming rejoices that they had Sir Ascorbic Acid at their mercy. As he was running around yelling like a moron, he froze: there was a strange figure standing about 30 feet in front of him. He wasn't sure who it was, but he was formidable to Cosmo.

"You guys," he yelled to his brothers, "we've got trouble."

"What is it...." asked Frank, his words fading as he too saw the strange figure.

By this time, Alvin was also looking at him. And this man was looking back at them. They stood there, the McScurvys, realizing that this man was none other than Sir Folic Acid. They also realized something else by the smile on his face. He, like Sir Ascorbic Acid had done in the past, was about to kick all their arses into next month....

NINE

Yes, there he was, the lean mean Sir Folic Acid, getting ready to use his fists to dispense justice to the hideous McScurvys. They stared at each other a while, Sir Folic Acid and the brothers McScurvy. This lasted a few moments, until finally the tension in the air was so great that someone had to say or do something. It was Alvin who finally spoke:

"Uhm...."

Immediately thereafter, Sir Folic Acid charged at the foul trio. He was fast enough to catch Alvin, who started getting slapped around as soon as he was caught. After pummeling him for a few minutes, Sir Folic Acid let him go--and go he did. Alvin ran from the scene, yelling for his brothers who, of course, had already run away.

Laughing as he did so, Sir Folic Acid made his way over to check on his fellow soldier of nutrition.

"Sir Ascorbic Acid, what are you doing out here in McScurvy territory? Shouldn't you be in Depoy serving our 'noble' king," asked Sir Folic Acid with an element of sarcasm in his voice.

"Well, what I SHOULD do and what I DO do are..."

"Ha, you said doo-doo, ha ha."

"Right, uh, what I SHOULD do and what I ACTUALLY do are..."

"Ha, you said actually, ha he he."

"Uh, yeah. Anyway, I'm out here because I needed to find out if..."

"HA HA, you said find OUT!! THAT--is HYSTERICAL!!"

"Uh..da....WHAT?"

Sir Ascorbic Acid didn't know what to think. Here was Sir Folic Acid, fresh from kicking some ass, rolling on the ground and crying from laughter. It was a strange sight to his eyes indeed.

"What's with thee, Sir Folic Acid? You're acting like an imbecile; what's gotten into you?"

His voiced trailed off as he thought back to when the Eight Ball Wizard was acting this way. Recognizing the behavior, Sir Ascorbic Acid waited for Sir Folic Acid's comic conniption to subside before asking him:

"Have you seen anybody lately that seemed, oh I don't know, a little strange?"

Sitting up on the ground catching his breath, he replied, "Well, I passed by a squirrel and chipmunk that were trying to fornicate, but I don't think they were having a lot of luck. I was fine with that. What bothered me, though, was that the squirrel was grey--and the chipmunk was not grey. A grey squirrel has no eternal business trying to woo and hump an animal that is not only a different species, but a different COLOR...which makes me wonder about how a tree can live by itself...you know, with green leaves and non-green bark and all...."

Apparently Sir Folic Acid was still suffering some residual hysterics.

TEN

Sir Ascorbic Acid had to listen to the bizarre ramblings of Sir Folic Acid for another ten minutes after his little "squirrel and chipmunk" speech. Then Sir Folic Acid sneezed a few times and suddenly came back to his senses.

"Wow, that was strange...what all did I ramble about anyway?"

"Well," Sir Ascorbic Acid replied, "first you were talking about a chipmunk and squirrel attempting to mate. Then you told me how your mother's eyes are weakening because of the increase of the frog population. And THEN you started asking the clouds to shut up because they were 'disturbing your brain'. That was when you came to your senses."

"I see." Though somewhat embarrassed by the spell of lunacy he had been under, he continued as though he thought nothing of it. "A minute ago you asked me if I saw anybody 'strange' on my way here. I didn't SEE anybody, but I heard some folk talking about a really strange man."

"What did they say?"

"See, I was passing through Methenberg Village, and I stopped by a pub to have a drink. While I was in there drinking, I overheard some of the town folk. They were talking about a 'bald man wearing orange robes' who had passed through a few months earlier. They talked about him with a mixture of amazement and disdain; apparently, his eccentricity makes up for his otherwise total lack of charm and social graces. They say that while he was in Methenberg Village, he actually stole the sheriff's horse, only to return with it two days later. He dismounted the horse--which they said was decorated with thistles and ragweed--, then he took the horse back to the sheriff, and...get this...his head changed to a horse's head and he ran away, neighing with laughter! The people at the bar even gave me this small shred of cloth," pulling it out as he spoke, "that they say came from his robe. Now I know that the citizens of Methenberg Village are usually drugged up and full of shyte, but who would make up something that stupid--and even go so far as to give me a supposed piece of fabric from his robe? I really think they believed this happened. But what kind of person would act like that??"

Sir Ascorbic Acid, thinking back to his visit with the Eight Ball Wizard, smiled inwardly and replied, "Who indeed?"

THIRTEEN

Sir Ascorbic Acid started making his way to Depoy. He had been exposed to much information over the past several days. When he had left to seek the Eight Ball Wizard, he had an ever-increasing sense of dread about what would become of the Realm of Nutrition under the rule of the new cartoon king. Now, things were different. He had a glow of anxiousness about him. He knew that within the graspable future, there were some things that were going to go down. Total rebellion? The king quietly moving into exile? Who was to say? Not Sir Ascorbic Acid. As much as he would have loved to dwell on the fate of the Realm, he had a more immediate situation that he had to think about....

What the hell am I going to tell the king, he thought to himself. He began to imagine a possible scenario....

"Oh, Sir Ascorbic Acid, there you are. You've been gone quite a while. Where is it that you've been these last days?"

"Yes, your majesty. Well, I heard about a disturbance in the Outerlands from one of my squires. It sounded serious enough for me to investigate the matter personally."

"Sir Ascorbic Acid. You are the High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition. Ours is a large kingdom with several defenders not unlike yourself. So tell me, what sort of 'disturbance' would require the sole attention of the High Defender?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"And WHY do you not want to tell YOUR KING?"

"Because you're being a smart ass!"

Hmmm, maybe that wouldn't be the right way to handle that....

"So tell me, what sort of 'disturbance' would require the sole attention of the High Defender?"

"Uhm, invaders!"

"Invaders?"

"Yes, your highness! InVADERS!"

"Well, High Defender, would you care to explain these 'invaders'?"

"Of course, my liege. I had been told that there was a strange tribe of savages threatening to loot and pillage some villages in...Smacky, why are you laughing?... yes, I know I made a rhyme...anyway, they were poised to cause some real trouble. They were talking of recruiting other tribes to invade the Realm! So I went out to check them out. Not only did I observe, I intervened! I approached their leader, whose name was Cleatus..."

"Cleatus?"

"Yes, majesty. Well, I approached Cleatus and we talked at great length about what he and his men planned on doing. It turns out that Cleatus and his men were suffering from misplaced aggression. They were angry because their herd of chipmunks had been stung by swank-bees. Since their tribe relies on the chipmunk for food, clothing, extracts for medicinal tonics and charms, they were understandably upset. So then I looked Cleatus in the eye, and asked him if his father loved him. That's when the negotiations really started to bear fruit. I learned of Cleatus' strict father, his shallow bitch whore of a mother, and the bastard children in the village who heckled him over his fondness of flowers and butterflies. After listening to him for a while, I asked simple Cleatus: 'So is it really these villagers of the Outerlands you hate, or is it against the people of your own village that you harbor these aggressive feelings?' He looked at me with a tear in his eye and said: 'Noble sir, you understand me! Thank you for connecting with me on a personal level.' After that, he briefly spoke to his men and they ran away screaming with laughter, chanting something about killing the first-born of the butterfly haters. Satisfied that they had now become someone else's problem, I headed back here to Depoy."

"Hmmm--well, keep up the good work!"

...if only it were so simple.

FOURTEEN

It was a typical day for the citizens of the village Vugifino. The weather was pleasantly mild, sun and gentle breeze simultaneously bathing the playing children and hard-working adults. The people of this village--or Vuggers, as they called themselves--worked hard and enjoyed life. Pessimism was the modus operandi of few people in Vugifino, and even the hard-core angry Vuggers were really not that angry; a harmless joke and a cup of warm beer would be enough to turn their frowns upside- down. On this day, though, no one was in a bad mood. Everything with the world was right.

As a small group of children near the edge of the village were playing with sticks and dolls, they noticed a man that they had never seen before heading their way from outside the village. At first they were uneasy, as they had rarely seen anyone that wasn't a Vugger. As he came closer, however, the children found themselves instinctively liking him, and they eagerly awaited his first words to them as he entered the village.

"Tell me children, what place is this?"

The children proudly replied in unison, "Vugifino!"

"Well, you should know."

"Know what?" asked the oldest child.

"What place this is, of course."

"You're in the village of Vugifino, sir."

"Ah, I see. Tell me something, child. Where can a man go in this village to get a drink of water?"

As he asked, some adults had noticed the stranger's arrival and began to make their way over to where he and the children were talking. When they were near the stranger, the matriarch of Vugifino approached the stranger.

"Greetings, stranger! I am Sahlia. As the Mother Vugger, I would like to welcome you to our village on behalf of all of us Vuggers."

"Thank you for your warm greeting, Vuggers. I don't mean to bother you, but where can I get something to drink?"

"It's already being taken care of," replied Sahlia, "one of the children is going to the village fountain to fetch you some water."

One of the adults, whose name was Dumm, immediately turned to Sahlia and replied, "Uh, Sahlia, we don't have a 'village fountain'."

"Well of course we have a village fountain, it's right over there!"

The other adult Vuggers all turned their head to where Sahlia was pointing, and sure enough, there was what appeared to be a fountain spewing up crystal clear water.

Dumm Vugger then said, "That fountain has never been here before in all our lives. It can't be real; something's going on here!" Based on the reaction of the others, it was clear that Dumm Vugger spoke for all the adults there.

Just then, the child returned with a small bucket of water drawn from the mysterious fountain. When the little girl handed the water to the stranger, he became rather upset. "I wanted water, you stupid Vugger," he said to the girl. "Why would you then give me a bucket full of tree leaves?"

The adults, still thinking about the fountain, immediately turned to the stranger after hearing his anger with the little girl who had brought him water.

"Stranger, there's no need to get angry with this child," Sahlia calmy stated. "Just because a few leaves fell into the pail doesn't mean that..."

Sahlia was silenced when she glanced into the water pail. She saw that it was in fact full of leaves, and that those leaves were beginning to move as if they were alive. They started changing colors, from green to gold to blue to red to silver to white to clear--clear like the pail...

"What happened to the bucket?!" asked one confused Mother Vugger. "And what was making the leaves change colors?" Sahlia was looking around, as if for answers, and she then asked, "And what happened to our fountain that we never had? It's gone!"

The stranger walked a few feet away and jumped up on a small flat boulder and began to address the people of Vugifino.

"All you Vuggers gather 'round. Yes that's right, everybody--even you Mother Vugger. All you little Vuggers, stop playing with your toys and gather near, for I want to tell you all something. I just want to say that you people are the nicest Vuggers I've ever ran into. You do, however, have a problem: you are all stupid. That's right, you're a bunch of stupid Vuggers. You live your simple lives, just Vugging around like you OWN the place."

"This is OUR VILLAGE!" cried out Dumm Vugger.

"That has nothing to do with the fact that you, sir, like to drink your beer cold. Or you, Mother Vugger...when was the last time you ate beans?? Uh huh, yep, that's what I thought. You people make me sick!! Well, I know what I do to people who make me sick!!"

As quick as he said that, he disappeared and in his place appeared a giant creature that could only be described as a demon.

"COWER, MORTALS, BEFORE MY MIGHT! FOR I AM KOE-CHEEZ, THE RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD!! YOU WILL NO LONGER LIVE YOUR LIVES HAPPILY, FOR YOU HAVE BEEN GUILTY OF DISRUPTING THE FLOW OF THE UNIVERSE! I WILL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD, YOU FOUL SHAMELESS LITTLE SHITS! LOOK UP AT THE SKY, ENJOY THE CLOUDS, SOAK IN THE SUNSHINE ONE LAST TIME. YOUR LIVES WILL NOW BE FILLED WITH MISERY AND DESPAIR; THE LUCKY ONES AMONG YOU MAY DIE TODAY! YOU..PEOPLE..ARE..DOOMED!!!"

The peaceful Vuggers, having never seen or even imagined such terror in their lives, all passed out from fear. After they were all out, the demonic presence disappeared and the stranger who had come looking for a drink of water once again stood on top of the boulder. He looked around and laughed at all the villagers, still knocked out cold from the incredible fear-induced mass fainting. "Gets them every time," he said to himself. As he left Vugifino, the beautiful day was coming to an end, with the fading light of the glorious sunset reflecting off the stranger's bald head.

FIFTEEN

Sir Ascorbic Acid was home.

With a deep inhalation of Depoy's air and a panoramic stare of the capitol's hills, Sir Ascorbic Acid couldn't help but have the smile that appeared on his face. After being gone for so long and knowing that he, in spite of his worries to the contrary after being twice bludgeoned by the stupid McScurvys, had in fact found his way to Depoy, there was one thing that Sir Ascorbic Acid was going to do immediately.

He was going to bed.

Shortly after entering the city limits, he made his way to his quarters near Castle Trenurien to seek slumber in his own bed. Just as he was about to enter his home, he saw what looked like a man heading toward him. As he came closer, Sir Ascorbic Acid realized that he was a fellow Defender of the Realm of Nutrition. As he came closer still, he noticed that the man was jittery and shaking.

"Oh God," Sir Ascorbic Acid said to himself as he rolled his eyes, "it's Sir Niacin."

"Sir Ascorbic Acid!" the man shouted, waiting until he was closer before resuming his greeting. "Good to see you again, Sir."

"Thank you, Sir Niacin. It is good to see you, too. So how's life been in Depoy the last few weeks?"

"There's been more and more talk about allying with the Malnutrients, but other than that-- about the same as always."

Sir Ascorbic Acid let out a sigh of frustration upon hearing this.

"What's wrong, Sir?" Sir Niacin paused for a moment as they went inside. "You don't think we should join with them, do you."

"What do you think about this talk of alliance, Sir Niacin? Do you think it's a good idea?"

"Well, Sir, I guess it's a good idea. I mean, they haven't attacked us for some time. And our king seems to know what he's doing; seems to know what's best for the Realm."

As Sir Ascorbic Acid sat tired on his bed, Sir Niacin pulled out his pipe and pouch--as he frequently did--and began to stuff the bowl with his special blend.

"Please don't smoke that in here," Sir Ascorbic Acid told Sir Niacin. "I can't handle that smell right now."

"The smell of my smoke? I use a perfectly good blend."

"Tomatoes and tabak?! It smells like SHIT, Sir Niacin!...I'm sorry for being so short, but I really am tired from my trek to the Outerlands. If you please, I'd like to get some rest now."

"Oh, of course, Sir Ascorbic Acid. Uhm, I guess I'll see you later. Peaceful sleep, Sir."

Sir Niacin left and headed back to Castle Trenurien, lighting his pipe the moment he stepped outside Sir Ascorbic Acid's home. After a few feet, he stopped in his path for a while to enjoy his pipe. Just then a small dog walked by and stopped near Sir Niacin's feet, to which he reacted by kneeling down and calling for the dog.

"Come here, boy," he called to the dog, which responded by approaching him with a kind gaze and wagging tail. Taking a draw off his pipe, Sir Niacin then blew smoke into the dog's face to prove to himself that there was nothing offensive about his pipe smoke. After a couple of breaths with the smoke around his head, the dog walked off five feet away and began repeatedly hitting his head on the ground, emptying his bowels while doing so. Sir Niacin watched this dog bang his head on the ground for five minutes. During the sixth minute, a little boy wearing an expression of great worry ran to the dog.

"Oh no, Nimrod, what wrong?? What are you doing to yourself?! Stop! Stop!!" The dog--whose name was Nimrod--continued banging his head and emitting strange whimpers as his owner tried in vain to get him to stop. While Sir Niacin was watching this, a bird flew through a cloud of his pipe smoke and then crashed into the side of Sir Ascorbic Acid's house. This was followed by a yell of "God damn it, I just want some sleep!"

Sir Niacin casually started away, shaking and walking spastically as he enjoyed his life-molesting smoke.

SIXTEEN

"Smacky!"

"Yes, your highness?

"Has the High Defender returned yet?"

"Sir Niacin tells me that he is resting from his long journey. I will see to it that he sees you on the morrow."

"Very well. So Smacky, I understand that some woman wants an audience with me?"

"Yes, my king. She's a soothsayer of sorts. She deals primarily with numbers, as she claims to see the future in all manner of natural occurrence of quantity."

"What do you mean, Smacky?"

"Yes, well...she would better be able to explain herself. Shall I show her in?"

"Oh, why not? Let's just see what she's all about."

The court guards, at the nodding of Smacky's head, opened the doors to let in the female soothsayer. She walked briskly into the court and humbly kneeled and bowed her head before the king.

"Rise, woman," said the king, "what is it you wish to share?"

"Your majesty, I am Madam Tape. I need to tell you about some things that could seriously affect your future. I need for your ears to hear and mind to listen to what I'm about to say. Your majesty, you need to watch out for THREE RABBITS," saying the last two words with a flavor of doom.

"Three rabbits? OK, that's nice. Now explain to me WHY I need to beware this dreaded lagomorphic ternion that roams the Realm."

"I'll explain of course, my liege. But I must know...what is a 'ternion'?"

"A 'ternion' is a trine," was the king's reply.

"Uh, what's a 'trine'?"

"A trine is a triune," the king replied.

"What's a triune?"

"It's sort of like a troika."

"What's a troika?"

"A triumvirate"

"What's a triumvirate?"

"A ternion..."

As the king was having fun taking Madam Tape around in semantical circles, the commander of the royal guards leaned over and whispered to Smacky:

"His majesty sure is having fun with her, isn't he. Looks like the king's been learning all sorts of new words just for the purpose of his own regalement."

Smacky acquiesced and susurrated with a conspiratorial mien, "Indeed he has...indeed he has."

The king took Madam Tape around a couple of times before finally replying, "A 'ternion' is a group of three."

"Oh, I see my lord! Well anyway, some rather peculiar numbers have been appearing in my life, and they have warned me of the three rabbits. It started about ten days ago when it started to rain. Then it hit me that the word 'rain' has 4 letters in it. Four is also the number of arms and legs a human being has. These 4 limbs in turn each have five digits...so 4 limbs plus 20 digits sums to 24. Twenty-four, when divided into 8 parts--for 8 is the number of arms and legs on TWO human beings-- yields 3 per part. THREE. That much was clear...but three of WHAT? Then I pondered a while longer until I noticed that if you subtract TWO from 8 THREE TIMES...you get TWO again! TWO, multiplied THREE times yields SIX. That meant that the something of three had 6 letters in its name! By the time that I realized the number of letters, it was clear what the name was: RABBIT!! But being careful as always, I checked my facts...'rabbit' shares its first TWO letters--not one, but TWO letters--with 'rain', which is what came down from the sky when this whole revelation began! I don't think that's at all coincidental, so I warn you my king...BEWARE THE THREE RABBITS!!"

"Hmm."

"Exactly my lord! But fear not majesty, for you can avoid the fate of the three rabbits. Just tell ten people in the next 24 hours about the rabbits, and you'll have GOOD LUCK for a long ti...."

Madam Tape never finished her rant. As she was explaining to the king about forwarding her message to ten people, a spear seemingly out of nowhere found its way into the heart of Madam Tape.

"My goodness!" was the king's response. "Where did that spear come from?"

One of the royal guards spoke up. "I'm sorry, highness, but my thumb had a slight twitch that caused me to uprear my spear and hurl it at Madam Tape with deadly force and remorseless accuracy."

"Oh, okay. Well, since YOU are the one with the twitchy thumb, you can dump her body somewhere downwind. Take her away now."

The guard promptly obeyed his king, and with the help of another guard, carried the body of the numerical Madam Tape out of the king's court. As for the king, he just sat on this throne staring at the pool of blood on the court floor as a smile of amusement spread across the face on the head with the ears that no longer had to hear the numerological ramblings of a crazy-woman named Madam Tape.

SEVENTEEN

The time had now come for Sir Ascorbic Acid to see the king. He was well rested in spite of the fact that a large bird--for reasons unknown to him--had crashed into the side of his wooden house, close indeed to where his head rested on his pillow. He expected that when he left his home he would either see the dead bird on the ground by his house or, if a cat or something else had taken it, nothing at all. It was then to his surprise that upon stepping out the door he saw the bird alive.

It was the size of a small falcon, with a height of about nine inches excluding the swollen knot on the poor creature's crown. It was surprising enough to see that the bird had survived the crash, but the real kicker was that the bird was fully upright. It was waddling in place, his whole body rotating ever so slowly clockwise. Sir Ascorbic Acid stared at the bird for a moment before starting his walk to the Castle Trenurien. He had hardly taken a step when a strange soft voice called out.

"Hello to all, and all to hell. The hell am I? The hell you say? I don't know if I can speak to tell the spell of wells in hell. The hell I say? Oh yes, oh yes, guess my guest and roast the beast and boast the reast and other sucheties. Oh who will lend ear or hear what it is I have for them to hear oh never fear for I am clear to all to hell and hell to none."

Sir Ascorbic Acid, hearing this strangely melodic gibberish, turned around to see where it came from. As his eyes searched the area for perhaps a child or common roadside lunatic, he heard the voice again:

"Hello to none, and none to hell. The hell are he if who but we be seen to green the after-gleen of things unseen if known the mean to eat the bean and caress my spleen of things unseen if known their mean. Look for me, oh for the love of hate look upon he of speaks and gibberish rakes across flakes and snakes."

The High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition turned slowly and set his eyes upon the very source of the melodic nonsense he was hearing: the sound was coming from the lips--rather, the beak--of the falcon. He just stared at it when he realized that there was a bird outside his house...and it was...talking. It then occurred to him that it might be some type of strange parrot, perhaps whose owner regularly spoke such crazy things. No, thought Sir Ascorbic Acid, This is not mere mockery...despite the insanity of its speech, there is a certain thought to it. Oh, how strange a thing this is. Oh how strange indeed.

"Blood and dreams delicious screams of hoping streams and running beams. Such niceties I have alone with others. Do go away for I am afraid to braid the shade of jaded beef. Jaded, bathed, traded, scathed, up and downyup, up, up, up...."

The rotating falcon, this creature creator of musical insanity, fell over during his repetition of the word 'up'. Sir Ascorbic Acid then knelt by the bird, which was still breathing. So amazed and utterly curious about this bird was he that he gently picked it up and went back into his house cradling the unconscious crazy falcon. He looked around and found the cage of his old pet bird that he used to have some years back and, placing a small blanket in the bottom of the cage, he placed the falcon on the blanket and closed the cage door. Realizing his obligation to see King Vitamin, he anxiously hoped that if the bird were ever to awake it would do so soon.

After waiting about ten minutes for the bird to wake up, Sir Ascorbic Acid put the cage in a quiet corner of his home and left to go see his liege.

Upon arriving at Castle Trenurien, the High Defender was greeted with plenty of positive greetings. 'Welcome home, Sir!', 'Good to see you, Sir!', and other greetings reflecting the general popularity he enjoyed in Depoy and throughout the Realm of Nutrition. He then heard the voice and saw the face of Smacky who was telling Sir Ascorbic Acid that the king awaited.

At last, he set his eyes upon the cartoon king he so despised. He humbly kneeled and called out, "Sir Ascorbic Acid here at your command, my liege."

"Rise, Sir Ascorbic Acid," replied the king. "Smacky tells me that you have been gone these past few weeks answering a disturbance somewhere in the Outerlands, though he was not very specific. Would you care to fill me in?"

"Of course, my liege. I had been told that there was a strange tribe of savages threatening to loot and pillage some villages in...Smacky, why are you laughing?... yes, I know I made a rhyme...anyway, they were poised to cause some real trouble. They were talking of recruiting other tribes to invade the Realm! So I went out to check them out. Turns out my squire, who informed me of this possible danger, was himself misled by a person he thought he could trust. Now he knows better I assure you. Oh how easily the young tend to unconditionally trust, Highness!"

"Indeed they do. Sir Ascorbic Acid. I have called you in here to not only find out where you've been as of late but also to charge you with an assignment of some diplomatic importance. As everyone in this castle knows, I have considered possible alliance with the Realm of Malnutrition. While you were gone I thought about it until I just recently came to a decision: An alliance shall be done."

Sir Ascorbic Acid's heart sank to the pit of his gut.

The king continued: "The Malnutrients are in essence our brothers. King Dye-Et Sohoda has not attacked us for some time you've realized. I believe the time for peace for our kingdoms has come. And I want you, Sir, to lead the peace mission."

"But Sire, are you sure that's wise? The Malnutrients are our sworn enemy! I am the High Defender against them! I don't think they've restrained themselves because they desire peace, but rather to plan our downfall! I beg you to reconsider, Sire! Why, one of the reasons I was so long gone was that I was ambushed by those cursed McScurvys! Were it not for Sir Folic Acid being in the right place at the right time, I might have died there! No good can come of this, my liege! Please think of what I've said."

The king stared ahead, thinking of everything Sir Ascorbic Acid had said. After but several seconds, the king cried out:

"Smacky, fetch me a towel! And guards, throw Sir Ascorbic Acid in the dungeon!"

Before he had time to be surprised by the announcement of his incarceration, the guards had the High Defender in their custody. The king commanded them to "take this traitor and enemy of peace to the dungeon." As the guards escorted Sir Ascorbic Acid to the dungeon, Smacky rushed to his highness side with a towel. He handed King Vitamin the towel and asked, "Majesty? Why was Sir Ascorbic Acid taken to the dungeon; did I hear you say he was a traitor? Begging forgiveness, Majesty, I would never think him to be a traitor."

"Yes, Smacky, you heard correctly. Noble maybe he once was, but now his stubbornness are a liability to a prosperous future. I will NOT have any High Defender of mine stand in such defiance of my intentions. My intentions are those of peace, dear Smacky; not more bloodshed and death. Therefore, enemies of said peace are of no use and as such I will have Sir Ascorbic Acid executed for defying the crown and desiring to betray the Realm of Nutrition to the gods of war."

EIGHTEEN

"You wanted to see me, your majesty?"

"Yes, Sir Retinol. As you know, a diplomatic mission was to set out for the Realm of Malnutrition to talk peace. Unfortunately, the High Defender--the original leader of the group--has proven to be an enemy of the peace and therefore will not be leading this mission. I have called you here to inform you that you, Sir Retinol, will lead the diplomatic mission to the Realm of Malnutrition. What say ye?"

"Sire, I am humbled and most honored that you have chosen me. I will gladly lead the peace mission for your glory and the good of the Realm!"

"Excellent! You and your companions, which will consist of a few of my ambassadors plus another Defender of the Realm, will set out in two days time. I will inform each of them what I have told you. Make whatever preparations are needed. You may now leave me."

"Humbly, my liege," was Sir Retinol's reply.

After Sir Retinol left, the king then called out for the head of the Royal Guard.

"Rojox!"

Rojox came to the king's call. "Yes, King Vitamin?"

"Sharpen your axe blade...I want Sir Ascorbic Acid dead within the hour."

"But that won't give us time to have our pre-execution pep rally!"

"It's not going to be a public execution, Rojox. I don't want him being a martyr to any of the dimwits that still think he's a glorious man."

"Wise indeed, Sire, for many of the folk of Depoy hold him in such regard."

"Of COURSE it's wise...I thought of it."

"Magnificent, Sire. You truly are an inspiration to those of us who--"

"Oh, get on with it! Take off the head of Sir Ascorbic Acid...NOW."

Rojox made his way to the armory. There, he took what appeared to be the sharpest axe in the land. It was large and heavy; perfect for removing the heads of traitorous knights or pesky chipmunks. He gathered four other guards, and together they made their way down to the dungeon and then to the cell of the High Defender.

Sir Ascorbic Acid looked up after hearing the footsteps of four men, and saw that one of them had an axe. A BIG axe. As they came to the cell, Rojox unlocked the door and two of the guards quickly came in and grabbed Sir Ascorbic Acid lest he escape. The third and fourth guard carried the axe and stump and came in and pulled the door shut.

"I'm going to be beheaded? What the hell for? For having an opinion? For not welcoming 'peace' with our sworn enemies? For standing up for what I hold dearest to my heart?!"

"Yes."

Before Sir Ascorbic Acid had time to respond, one of the guards delivered a very swift punch to the High Defender's head which rendered him immediately unconcious.

"By order of his excellency King Vitamin, you are hereby condemned to be...wait-- who knocked him out? Was it you, Wilster? Damn you, always jumping the gun! Oh well, least he won't struggle! Put his head on the stump and let's finish this."

The limp body was placed so as the middle of the neck would be on the middle of the stump. The axe wielder lifted the axe above his head, ready to strike, when all of a sudden...

He did. Down came the axe, and off the stump rolled the head of one Sir Ascorbic Acid, High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition. Meanwhile, back in the house of the fallen hero, the rotating crazy falcon suddenly awoke and began to cry a cry of great sorry and anguish.

NINETEEN

There once was a group of scholars five
who loved to joke and loved to jive.
These five were of the most brilliant sort,
as they were the scholars of the king's court.

They spoke with sages and played with fools and
occasionally stole the blacksmith's tools and
on one occasion they had the mettle
to pour some mead in Smacky's tea kettle.

One day as they worked in their laboratory dank
to uncover a word that rhymes with silver,
word came around to the scholars' ten ears
that ended were the High Defender's years.

"An event most tragic this is for sure!
A great loss this is for our hearts to endure!"
The court's scholars five then cried and cried
for the noble knight they learned had just died.

One of the scholars then halted his tears
and looked up with hope at the rest of his peers.
"Let us proceed to his death chamber cell,
but first my idea to you now I will tell.

"Gentlemen, the time has come at last
to test out the liquid in that little flask."
He pointed his finger in the laboratory dank
at the freshly brewed flask of magical swank.

They grabbed the flask and hurriedly they made
their way to the place the knight's neck met the blade.
"A-ha!" they exclaimed. "The body's still here,
along with the head of this man so dear!"

They positioned the body and placed the head,
and along the junction of the two they spread
every last drop of the magical brew
they hoped would act as magical glue.

A glow of light, emissions of smoke,
yet Sir Ascorbic Acid was still not woke.
A scholar then smacked him upside his head,
and the High Defender was no longer dead.

"Where the heck am I...and what did you use
to repair the damage from the axe blade silver?"
"We'll tell you later," the scholars did say,
"but now you must travel far far away.

"To the middle of Nowhere, you must now go
to seek the Eight Ball Wizard's abode!
Leave right away, unseen and unheard,
taking care ere departing to talk to your bird!"

"Verily you know of the talkative bird?
And of Eight Ball Wizard, how have you heard?"
"The bird's a long story; with the wizard it's so:
He's the one who taught us all that we know!"

TWENTY

What in the world is going on?

That's what Sir Ascorbic Acid was thinking as he quickyly and quietly made his way to his home. After being revived by the king's scholars--which was nothing short of a miracle as far as he was concerned--he had hidden in their laboratory until nightfall. A wise move, considering that Rojox had in fact been looking for his head and body after it disappeared from his cell. Rojox eventually had come to the scholars, who explained to Rojox that they had taken the liberty of disposing of the head and body due to their 'not wanting to leave them about for the rats to consume, lest they become traitorous rats themselves.' Garnished with a little scientific jargon, this explanation more than satisfied stupid Rojox and indeed stupid King Vitamin. Night came to the Realm about 1.76384625147 hours after Rojox left, but Sir Ascorbic Acid waited another 3.83726490115 hours before departing to his home and then to the middle of Nowhere.

Finally arriving home, the High Defender quickly went inside. He lit a small candle; just enough to see around to get some supplies for his journey and...to talk to his bird. Soon after lighting the candle, he noticed the bird lying down on the blanket in the cage. He thought he had heard crying upon entering his house and this was confirmed after seeing the tears flowing from the bird's eyes. A sad sight this was indeed: a pitiful looking bird moaning and crying cries of sorrow and anguish. Sir Ascorbic Acid, heeding the words of the king's scholars, sat close to the cage and spoke....

"Uhm...why are you crying, sad falcon?"

The bird sharply replied with quick speech, "BECAUSE MY DAMN HEAD HURTS! There I was, flying among the trees of Depoy, minding my own business when all of a sudden some man started smoking this pipe...oh, the HORROR...that foul smelling funk that he was smoking messed with my mind in funny ways, man. I lost all sense of direction and then crashed into your house at an incredibly high speed. Head first....ooohhh, my head. But at least it is getting better.

Sir Ascorbic Acid sat there amazed. Until a few days ago, he had never heard any bird say more than a few words and even then it was a parrot merely speaking what he had heard. Now there was this falcon, complaing how his head hurts. Truly amazing, and he wanted to hear more.

"Uhm, what's your name? And where is it you come from? For you see, I've never seen or heard anything like you before throughout the Realm of Nutrition."

"Well, OK, fair enough...I mean, you did take care to bring me in and lay me on this soft blanket and all...My name is Israel Jones. The name of my home land is Alevanixatigsadizyl-mack-daddy-ospooglitrophicram.28356498909484689...well, that's its 'official' title. We usually just call it Alevanix; it's far, far away. I enjoy travelling and exploring, so I thought I'd fly through the Realm of Nutrition and see what I could see. And I was having a nice time until that man...and his SMOKE... tell me, uhm..."

"I am Sir Ascorbic Acid."

"Tell me, Sir Ascorbic Acid, dost thou happen to know the name of the man who smoketh pipe-funk?"

With a grin, he replied, "That must be Sir Niacin. He means well, but for some reason he thinks that burning tobacco and tomatoes together is a delicious idea. Rest assured, NOBODY likes that blend save him."

"Sir Niacin, huh? Well, if I ever see him again I'll peck his damn EYES out...damn booty-stank smoking son of a bitch! By God I'll drop a HOUSE on his head and we'll see if he likes it!"

Israel Jones cooled off a little bit after his threats. Sir Ascorbic Acid didn't say anything, letting Israel compose himself. Though he didn't speak, inside he was near laughing at the prospect of seeing a house being dropped on poor Sir Niacin. He fancied the house being dropped, only to be shattered upon impact with the cloud of smoke that would doubtless be hovering over his head. That smoke's thick enough it wouldn't surprise me at all if that happened, he thought.

Sir Ascorbic Acid finally spoke, "Israel...may I call you Israel?"

"No."

"OK, Israel Jones. When I first saw you, you were speaking aloud some very strange words indeed; there was hardly a hint of reason about them. Do you remember speaking these words?"

"I'm afraid not; do you remember what it was I said?"

"Oh goodness...something about 'all to hell and spells and wells' and 'too jaded to bathe beef' or something like that."

Israel Jones' perked up after hearing this. He recognized immediately what Sir Ascorbic Acid was referring to, and he recited some of the words: "Blood and dreams delicious screams of hoping streams and running beams. Such niceties I have alone with others. Do go away for I am afraid to braid the shade of jaded beef."

Amazed at the bird's memory he asked, "Yes, that's it! But what did it all mean?"

"More appropriately, 'what does it all mean?' It's actually a very strange poem taught to me by an old friend of mine. I guess in my deliriousness I just started reciting it. See, he actually wrote the poem himself and I was so stricken by its wickedly rhythmic retardedness that I just had to learn it."

Wickedly rhythmic retardedness, Sir Ascorbic Acid thought, Sounds like something that that weirdo Citrus would come u.... The High Defender stopped in the middle of his thought and turned to Israel Jones.

"Israel Jones, what is your friend's name?"

"His name? His name is Citrus."

"Citrus! You know Citrus?! I've seen the effects of his presence, and I've heard tales...but never really met anyone who knew him. So I guess that's why the scholars wanted me to talk to you!"

"Well, sort of. Sir Ascorbic Acid, I am to accompany you to the Eight Ball Wizard's abode. As a creature of the air, I can serve as a very effective scout. Plus, as a TALKING creature of the air, I can provide you with some company and converstation. Speaking of Eight Ball Wizard, we should set out at once; few people are about and night covers the land. I will tell you though before we go: Citrus is nigh, and he will arrive soon! He will surely help us all in our cause."

"Our cause?" the High Defender asked with a smile.

"Yes. See, this is not my first time to the Realm. I have flown through here once or twice since the stupid cartoon King Vitamin started his reign. I saw and heard enough of his tomfoolery to realize that he just needed to get off the throne. I mean, what an idiot...wanting to be friends with your obvious enemy: Nutrition and Malnutrition; hello, ever heard of MUTUAL EXCLUSION? Anyone? I mean...and the man's always peeing all over himself. He's just got to go; I realized that right away. So one day I flew over what turned out to be Eight Ball Wizard's shanty so I flew near the window to have a peak. Turns out that the man is so learned that he knew I was a talking falcon from Alevanix; we then had a nice conversation that ended up on the matter of the new King Vitamin. So I told him I would try to help, and THAT's when I looked up Citrus and told him of the plight of the Realm of Nutrition. Crazy though he is, he's incredibly powerful...not very smooth when it comes to things like socializing or courting the ladies. But in the end he knows what's right, and he was more than willing to help. So that's that. He'll be here soon, unless he's off doing some of his Citrus-shines. At any rate, we should now leave."

"Very well, let's depart. I do wonder when he'll arrive, though."

Hearing this, Israel Jones replied, "When indeed?"

TWENTY-ONE

And so they went. Sir Ascorbic Acid, High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition, accompanied by Israel Jones, the talking falcon from Alevanix. They sneaked their way out of Depoy under the cover of nightfall. Sir Ascorbic Acid was wearing a hooded cloak to disguise his knightly appearance and Israel Jones stood inside the cage that the High Defender was carrying. Once they cleared the outskirts of Depoy, Israel Jones spoke.

"Hey, how about letting me out of this cage now? I think we're not going to see anybody for a while."

"Very well," Sir Ascorbic Acid said as he opened the door to let the bird out of the cage. As they travelled, both seemed to notice the brilliance of the stars in the night sky made more magnificent by the dry chill in the air.

"It really is a beautiful night, wouldn't you say Israel Jones?"

"Indeed, good sir. One of the lovliest I've seen in the Realm." Israel Jones then noticed the moon and began to laugh to himself.

"What amuses thee, falcon?"

"Check out the moon."

Sir Ascorbic Acid gazed up at the moon and replied, "What's funny about the moon tonight? It's not even a full moon."

"Exactly! It's what's called a gibbous moon. And that means one thing: Citrus is going to be up to no good tonight! You see, he's so bizarre that he can't even have his good nights on a full moon like the lycanthropes and lunatics...oh no, not Citrus--he comes out, so to speak, on the nights of the GIBBOUS moon!"

"What do you mean 'come out'? Isn't he always nuts?"

"Well, yes, but he really has fun on nights like these. Remember those 'Citrus- shines' I mentioned earlier tonight? Well that's what I'm talking about. He's pulled some real dandies...let me tell you about this one time. He stopped by this place called Methenberg Village and he stole the shire-reeve's horse, but after he brought it back..."

"The horse was covered with weeds and then Citrus' head changed to a horse's head! Sir Folic Acid, another Defender of the Realm, passed through Methenberg Village shortly after that happened and he told me about it."

"Oh...well I'll have to thank Sir Folic Acid for stealing my thunder. Anyway, here's one you probably HAVEN'T heard....

"One time Citrus and I were walking through this town and Citrus accidentally bumped into one of the larger fellows there. Well this guy was not very polite and he shoved Citrus to the ground which, given Citrus' stature, did not require much physical exertion on the part of this guy. Indignant, Citrus takes a swing at this guy and hits him square in the jaw. The punch didn't effect the man in the least, and he just started staring down Citrus like he was going to rip his head off. Before he can, though, Citrus takes a few leaps back, then casts an ILLUSION of himself hitting the guy in the jaw! I mean half the town was there at this point and just started laughing their heads off; I nearly pissed myself from laughing so hard. The stupid thug didn't know what to make of it so he just wound up going back to a pub. Had that been an ordinary evening, that would have been the end of it but ohhh nooo the gibbous moon was out...Citrus was going to have himself some FUN with this guy.

"Citrus told me to go to that pub and wait for him, so I flew in there and as luck would have it some fellow Alevanixians were in there wetting their beaks. I flew over to them and starting drinking and talking with them, waiting for Citrus to make his move. Well, while I was waiting this stray dog wandered in and he starts sniffin' around. How do I know it was a 'he'? Because he walked over to that big guy and started humping his leg like there was no tomorrow. That dog meant business; I mean, it damn near bordered on hatred the way he pounded that leg. Needless to say, the man didn't like this at all so he draws back his hand getting ready to smack the head off this dog. Before his hand reached the dog's head, the dog bit his HAND off...I mean, bit the whole thing off! This guy starts freaking out at the loss of his hand and while he's crying and screaming, the dog hikes his leg and marks the guy's wrist-stump! Apparently dog pee burns when in contact with lacerations, because this guy just started howling with pain...until he looked at his wrist and saw that his hand was perfectly intact. He just starts looking around in utter confusion, and then he looks down...and there's Citrus humping his leg!! The guys screams, 'What in the hell are you?!?!', and Citrus yells back, 'I'm in heat, that's what I am!' and he starts humping his leg more furiously than his canine alter-ego! This guy is so damn terrified that he shakes Citrus off his leg and then runs out to the town square and just starts rolling around on the ground screaming. Citrus gets up, looks around at the patrons of the pub, looks at me and says 'OK let's go,' and we left.

"After we walked out, the minstrels in the pub picked up where they left off and the patrons started talking again. We left the town, and we haven't been back since."

Sir Ascorbic Acid sat there agape, not knowing what to think. After a minute of processing all he had just heard, he asked, "I could not imagine what was going through that man's head."

"Oh, that guy? Uh, I think the town's healer casted a spell to penetrate his head to remove the 'evil spirits' implanted by Citrus or something..."

"No no, Israel Jones, what was going through Citrus' head...what in the world would possess someone to ACT that way? What motivates him to be so...NUTS??"

"I'll tell you what it is, Sir Ascorbic Acid."

"What?"

"It's...THE POWER OF CITRUS."

TWENTY-TWO

It had been six days since the night when Israel Jones told Sir Ascorbic Acid the tale of Citrus and the leg he humped. Each night thereafter, Israel Jones had entertained the High Defender with various accounts of Citrus' antics, which ranged from the humorous to the disturbed; indeed, Sir Ascorbic Acid was still shaking his head at the 'poo-poo plantation' episode he had heard the night before. But that was then, and this is now, and now the knight and the falcon found themselves under the glow of a full moon anxiously nearing the Eight Ball Wizard's shanty.

"It will be good to see Eight Ball Wizard again; we all have much to discuss."

"We sure do, Sir Ascorbic Acid, we sure..."

Israel Jones stopped in the middle of his sentence, and he and Sir Ascorbic Acid both noticed the chirping of the night insects was accompanied by boisterous singing coming from the direction of the Eight Ball Wizard's abode. The two then proceeded more quickly until they were right outside his home, where they both waited as they listened to a seemingly drunk Eight Ball Wizard--and another drunken voice--sing...

"There is a man named Citrus
He doth bring law to the lawless
He comes out on the night of the gibbous moon
He's like something out of the circus
He's a creature of high interest
He's sober as a judge and loony as a toon

"Citrus is a tad psychotic
A bit neurotic, yes he is
Citrus does what amuses him
Acts upon whim, I don't know what his deal is

"Roses are red
Daffodils are yellow
That there Citrus is one crazy fellow

There is a man named Citrus
He's always at least just a tad bit boisterous
January, February, March, April, May, June
Is he something out of the circus
Or just that singer in the chorus
Who likes to sing his notes a little out of tune?

"Citrus has a sophisticated
imbalance of bodily humors
The power of Citrus is such that
should you choose to stand too close
you might get a tumor

"Orange minus yellow is red
Orange minus red is yellow
Crazy though he is
Citrus is totally nuts!

"Red plus yellow plus green minus leather times the
unpredictability of the weather plus
one plus two plus three plus four plus
five plus six plus seven plus eight times
every single drop of morning dew divided by the
square root of the clouds high in the sky
divide all that by pi, and what do you haaaaaaaaaaave?!"

Sir Ascorbic Acid and Israel Jones, both still outside, were still moving their heads along to the tune that was no longer being sung until they finally realized the tune they were moving their heads to was no longer being sung. They both then went to the door and Sir Ascorbic Acid gave it a few knocks.

The door opened as if by magic, and Eight Ball Wizard spoke.

"Why, if it isn't the High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition, accompanied by my favorite talking falcon from Alevanix! Come in, sirs, come in! Have a drink!"

As they entered the abode, Sir Ascorbic Acid realized that the other singer they had just heard was none other than Sir Folic Acid.

"Sir Folic Acid, so good to see you again!"

"And you as well, Sir Ascorbic Acid! Is that the talking bird Eight Ball Wizard told me about?"

"Indeed it is. Sir Folic Acid, this is Israel Jones of Alevanix. Israel Jones, this is Sir Folic Acid--he's the one who travelled through Methenberg Village just after Citrus came through and stole the sheriff's horse."

"Oh yes, the story stealer...how do you do sir knight?"

"I'm drunker than snot on this stuff Eight Ball Wizard calls elanroca. It's good stuff, I tell ya."

Israel Jones replied, "Isn't it though? I was treated to it when last I was here. Hey Eight Ball Wizard, how about some elanroca for me and the High Defender?"

"I don't think so, Israel Jones. I do not take to drink, for it would impair my ability..."

"Your ability to do what?" interrupted Sir Folic Acid. "Your ability to defend the Realm? Your ability to remain loyal to our cartoon king? Come on, you've risked so much to help this kingdom out. You haven't sat on your ass, or remained neutral like Sir Niacin, or remained LOYAL to that joke of a king like Sir Retinol...I'd say you could drink with us tonight! It's not like we don't have reason to celebrate! This magical lunatic's gonna help us out, we've got the king's scholars with us, we're in the home of their mentor, you were brought back from the DEAD, I mean come on... we're gonna kick some cartoon ass here pretty soon! LOOSEN UP! Take a drink!"

"Sir Folic Acid, I'll have you know that your ramblings are at best sophomoric and at worst stupid...therefore it is my duty to inform you that I too wish to ramble; pour me a glass."

So Sir Folic Acid poured him a glass. And then a second glass. And then a third glass. And then a fourth glass. And then a fifth glass. And then a sixth glass. And then a seventh glass. And then an eighth glass. And then a ninth glass.

"Sir Folic Acid, why did you just pour nine glasses?"

"I don't know, I'm drunk. So anyway, what did you think of our singing?"

"A very interesting little tune; did you make it up?"

"No, no...Eight Ball Wizard taught me the song. He said his mother used to sing it to him when he was a kid to comfort him in times of trouble."

"She sang THAT song to comfort him? That's like something CITRUS would...Eight Ball Wizard, what was your mother's name?"

"Her name was Citrus!"

"WHAT?? Your MOTHER was Citrus?! This is just getting absurd! I mean this whole thing involving Citrus is just getting way out of hand. He humps people's legs, he sings to trees, and now it turns out he's your MOTHER?!?!?!"

"Why hell no, my mother's name was Brunhilda...how many glasses of elanroca have you had?"

"Uh, about eight."

"I see...well, how do you feel?"

"I feel as right as rain...wow, so this is intoxication?"

"I hope so after eight glasses."

And so it went. The four of them drinking and talking and laughing and singing into the night. Little did they know that by morning, things would go horribly and unexpectedly awry. Little did they know that by morning, they would be experiencing pain and suffering that even Eight Ball Wizard had not foreseen...and all because Eight Ball Wizard forgot to put the magic anti-hangover powder in the elanroca ere they began to drink.

TWENTY-THREE

"Alright, let's set out."

So came the command from Sir Retinol, leading the diplomatic entourage from the hills of Depoy to the heart of the Realm of Malnutrition, where they would discuss plans of peace with King Dye-Et Sohoda. With him were six of King Vitamin's ambassadors, as well as another Defender of the Realm. As they were travelling, one of the ambassadors noticed a strange odor that was coming from within the group. He looked around until he discovered the source of the sickening smell.

"Good heavens, sir knight, what is that you are smoking in your pipe?"

"Oh this? It's a special blend of my own making. I take the finest, sun-ripened tomatoes, and blend it with the richest tobacco of the Realm. It's quite extraordinary if I say so myself!"

"Sir Niacin," the ambassador replied, "it stinks. The smell is horrific. It makes you shake when you walk; the only way it's extraordinary is in its ability to aggravate anything that's alive...you see that owl flying?"

"No...where?"

"It's NOT flying--it's passed out on the ground over there. And d'you see that weeping willow tree we just passed?"

"Yeah...?"

"Well, before we passed it it was an OAK!"

"My smoke didn't cause that!"

"Oh really? The same time we passed that tree, I heard weeping sounds...coming from the TREE! In the name of King Vitamin, I ask thee to put away that funk!"

"You can't make me!"

"Can too!"

"Cannot!"

"Can too!"

"Cannot--"

Sir Retinol interrupted. "Sirs, please! Quit this bickering! Lord Nellum, leave Sir Niacin alone. Sir Niacin, put away your pipe. We've a long journey yet; let's not have any bickering."

After Sir Retinol ended the quarrel, the group continued their journey uninterrupted by the quibbles of Sir Niacin and Lord Nellum--save the occasional sticking-out- of-the-tongue by either of the men to the other.

Seven days passed. Sir Retinol, confident though he was of his ability to lead the group, had taken a wrong path somewhere along the way and was now facing the fact that the group was lost. Onward they travelled, while Sir Retinol went over in his head the way they should now proceed. As he pondered the paths they should have taken, his thought was interrupted by a faint but ill odor brought forth by the wind.

"Sir Niacin, I thought I told you to put away that pipe."

"Sir Retinol, I did put it away. That smell is not my smoke."

"Hmmm, must be a dead--"

Sir Retinol never finished the sentence, for as he was speaking he suddenly saw the source of the smell. The others of the group by this time had also set their gaze upon a distant...something that was coming toward the group. As it drew nearer the entourage, Sir Niacin let out a quiet gasp and asked Sir Retinol, "Is that...a monkey??"

"Not just any monkey, Sir Niacin, it's...a gigantimonkey."

Yes, the dreaded gigantimonkey. Known for its incredible size, and its even more incredible self-defense tactics....

"Oh no, look out! It's throwing its dung at us!"

First one then two piles of gigantimonkey poop landed near the group. The smell was dreadful, as was the look on the face of the gigantimonkey as it started running toward the group. The entourage began a hasty retreat, when all of a sudden they heard the voice of a man shouting chants at the monkey:

"Stop and heed warning foul beast of the plains!
Master am I of the simian brains!
Leave right away and forever be gone!
Else you will suffer unspeakable pains!!"

With that, the gigantimonkey screamed in sheer terror and began running toward the horizon. Within moments, it was out of sight, and the entourage turned to the man who had just banished the shit-throwing primate.

"It's a good thing I was here, or else you men would be buried in poop. Speaking of which, let me take care of these two piles." And with that, the man--who looked to the group like a druid--pulled out a small wooden idol and began to chant in a soft deep voice. Within a few moments, the poop had disappeared. Even the smell no longer remained, replaced by a subtle aroma of cedar.

"Thank you, druid. You saved our lives," finally said Sir Retinol. "What can we do to repay ye?"

The druid smiled, shook his head and smiled. "I only do what is right; no reward will be required. I don't believe I've ever seen any of you men before. Who are you, and where dost thou travel?"

"I am Sir Retinol, and these men and I are travelling to the Realm of Malnutrition to speak with King Dye-Et Sohoda on behalf of the Realm of Nutrition."

"Nutrients? Talking with the king of the Malnutrients? Isn't that strange?"

"'Tis not. The ways of war have done our realms no good. We are going to talk peace with the Malnutrients."

"Interesting...more interesting is the route you've chosen. Do you even know where you are, good sir?"

Sir Retinol leaned toward the druid and replied softly, "Well, not exactly."

"Hmmm, lost you are. But fear not, knight. I know these parts well, and I will help you find your way again. From this point here, proceed northeast for a day and a night. There you will find a village of people most willing to help you out; there you will find good shelter as well as any supplies you might need to replenish. The people will also be able to provide detailed directions to the castle of King Dye-Et Sohoda. For you see, I am a friend of those people, and I know that they will do anything to help you."

"Why, thank you so much, uh..."

"Koe-Cheez. Tell the villagers that Koe-Cheez sent you."

"Thank you, Koe-Cheez, we will."

The entourage travelled northeasterly. As they walked out of the sight of the druid, he smiled a great smile. He then got down on one knee, and began singing to a nearby tree.

TWENTY-FOUR

"How's your head, Sir Ascorbic Acid?"

"It's like there's a costume ball in my brain, and all the devils minions are invited."

"Yep, me too. I can't believe I forgot the magic anti-hangover powder...oh well, next time I'll know better."

And that's how most of their morning went. From dawn to high noon, the fatigued foursome sat around Eight Ball Wizard's shack and moaned about their aching heads. It was shortly after high noon when Eight Ball Wizard had an epiphany....

"Hey guys...I'm a WIZARD! I'll take care of our pains in no time! Let's see... BLAH BLAH SOMETHING NUMBERS AND LETTERS, DUMBER AND DEBTOR, LET ALL OUR HEADS FEEL BETTER!!"

Merely 45.877 microseconds later, the three men and the talking falcon felt much better, and Israel Jones felt compelled to express his gratitude for the relief.

"Eight Ball Wizard, thank you for waiting six hours before realizing that you, Eight Ball WIZARD, are a WIZARD...you dumb pile of shit."

"If you'd like, Israel Jones, I can give you back the headache."

"Do it and I'll poop on your head...thrice."

"Hey, you two nannies knock it off," interrupted Sir Folic Acid, "I think I hear someone approaching."

All four stayed silent as they tried to hear what Sir Folic Acid was talking about. They all soon heard a strange sound, much like a cat, but higher pitched and scratchier, and it wasn't long before their collective curiosity got the better of them and they ventured outside to see the source of the scratchy sound.

What they saw was amazing; 'twas nothing like anything any of them had ever seen. The creature had two heads: the head on its left had yellowish fur with large brown spots, two small horns on its crown, and a very long tongue that was licking the meat off the bones of a dead rabbit that was lying in front of the creature. Also enjoying the rabbit corpse was the other head, which looked very simian.

"Oh my stars," said Eight Ball Wizard, "it's a two-headed rabbit-eating giraffe- howler monkey hybrid...and it's making a funny gesture."

Indeed, the two-headed rabbit-eating giraffe-howler monkey hybrid was waving its left paw, motioning for the four of them to follow it. As the creature ventured off, they followed and admired it, deep into the forest surrounding Eight Ball Wizard's home. After about a mile of travelling, the creature stopped. Its two heads then turned to the group and spoke in poetic unison:

"Orange minus yellow is red
Orange minus red is yellow
Check thy magic eight ball, Eight Ball Wizard
Lest thou be a foolish fellow!"

With that, the creature yelled something about okra and beer, and vanished into thin air. Seeing this craziness, Eight Ball Wizard and Sir Ascorbic Acid and Sir Folic Acid and Israel Jones hurriedly made their way back to the shanty of Eight Ball Wizard. Upon entering the shack, Eight Ball Wizard stopped in his tracks. There was no need to consult his magic eight ball, for he saw standing in front of him the obvious cause of all the day's commotion. A warrior strange in his home stood.

"Hey guys," said Citrus, "let the fun begin."

TWENTY-FIVE

"Look, Sir Retinol!"

Sir Retinol turned to Sir Niacin and then looked to where Sir Niacin was pointing. There in the distance was the village described by the druid; the village whose citizens would help them find the way to the heart of the Realm of Malnutrition.

After travelling for another hour, Sir Retinol and his men arrived just as the sun had cleared the horizon on its journey towards the sky. A group of villagers, led by a woman, approached the eight weary men. It was the woman who spoke to them:

"Greetings, tired travellers. Welcome to Vugifino. I am Sahlia, the matriarch of this village. As the Mother Vugger, I will personally see to helping you out in any way I can. Tell me, dost thou needeth supplies of any kind?"

"Thank you for your hospitality, Mother Vugger," replied Sir Retinol. "Our supply demands are somewhat small; what we need more than anything is the knowledge that will take us to the Realm of Malnutrition."

"I'll be glad to assist you. In the meantime, why don't ye men come to our pub and take a load off your feet?"

"That sounds great. Thank you."

With that, they all made their way to the village pub. Once inside, the eight men representing the Realm of Nutrition were seated at a long table and brought delicious food and drink. After serving the king's men, Sahlia and some other Vuggers sat opposite them and began to strike up conversation.

"So tell me, men," said Sahlia, "how did you stumble upon our village?"

Lord Nellum replied: "Well, interesting story actually. Two days ago as we were travelling, we had the misfortune of stumbling upon a gigantimonkey..."

"A gigantimonkey," gasped Sahlia.

"Verily 'twas," continued Lord Nellum. "As the gigantimonkey started toward us, a lone druid of some magical power banished the hideous beast. Then the druid, sensing we were lost, gave us directions to this village. He told us it would be a village of people most helpful, and indeed he was correct."

"Thank you for your kind words," responded the villager Dumm. "You know, we had something of an interesting encounter ourselves with a man of some magical power. A few weeks ago, on a day much like this one, a bald stranger wearing an orange robe came to our town seeking water to drink. At first he was friendly, but then he turned rather eccentric and antagonistic. Shortly before he left, he cast a most dreadful sleeping spell on the whole village! Most amazing of all, his spell caused us all to have the same dreadful nightmare whilst we slept. Oh it was a most hideous dream! In our dream, we were visited by Koe-Cheez, a most dreadful demon who swore his wrath..."

"Hey, Koe-Cheez," interrupted Sir Niacin, "he's the one who sent us here to this village! Long live Koe-Cheez!"

Every single Vugger in the pub simultaneously stopped talking and turned to Sir Niacin, who was a little startled by the sudden silence. The collective surface area of exposed Vugger eyeball doubled within a second of Sir Niacin's remarks. The men of the Realm of Nutrition just sort of looked around, not knowing what to make of the sudden shushing. Finally, after a minute or so of the suspenseful silence, one of the Vuggers screamed at the top of his lungs:

"THEY'RE HERE TO BATHE IN OUR BLOOD!!!"

Every Vugger capable of screaming and acting like a frightened idiot did so in glorious fashion. Oh, the things they were screaming....

"I don't wanna die!"

"Mommy, I didn't mean to disturb the flow of the universe!"

"We're fucked!"

"They'll take our women and eat their wombs!"

"Maybe if I poopeth in my pantaloons they'll leave ME alone!"

Sir Retinol stood on tabletop and tried to quell the hysteria....

"Please good people! Why do you act so frightened? We mean you no harm! We only..."

Whack! Sir Retinol suddenly felt something hit him in the side of his head. From the sound it made upon impact, and from its distinct aroma, he knew immediately what it was.

"Hey, the old man was right," exclaimed one of the Vuggers, "Everybody start throwing thine feces at the foul minions!!"

The ensuing scene would be hard to imagine for those not blessed with a strong stomach. Human excrement flew from every direction, and neither Sir Retinol nor any of the entourage were spared from being smitten by copious crap. Difficult though it was to see through the shitty haze, Sir Retinol and company were able to exit the pub, only to be greeted by more villagers slinging poo-poo at them. The misfortunate members of the Realm of Nutrition quickly ran away from all the villagers until they were well beyond the village limits of Vugifino, and they finally stopped to rest under a gigantic tree. Oh what a pitiful sight; eight men who went to a town seeking directions, only to come out smelling worse than Sir Niacin's pipe smoke. Speaking of which....

"Oh well...smoke 'em if you got 'em."

Sir Niacin took out his pipe and pouch, stuffed the bowl with his special blend, and proceeded to enjoy his pipe, much to the chagrin of everyone else.

"I'll be a Mother Vugger," said an angry Lord Nellum, "would you PLEASE put away that goddamn..."

"SHIIIT!"

One of the ambassadors had looked up and yelled out exactly what he had seen: a huge pile of shit coming down, courtesy of a before-then unseen gigantimonkey. The giant dropping landed squarely on the party, and they found themselves waist-deep in a pile of Lord Nellum's subsequent response:

"Shit! Shit!! Shit!!!"

TWENTY-SIX

"Citrus!" exclaimed Israel Jones, "You're here!"

"Here indeed," he replied, "yes sir. Hey Israel Jones, who are these people? Are they giving you any trouble?"

"Oh no no. These guys are on our side. Eight Ball Wizard here foresaw your arrival in his magic eight ball. Sir Folic Acid here is anxious to kick some ass for a better Realm of Nutrition. And Sir Ascorbic Acid here is the HIGH DEFENDER of the Realm of Nutrition, who epitomizes the old glory of the Realm!"

"So you are the one and only Citrus," said Sir Ascorbic Acid, "it's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Nay, the pleasure is all mine, Sir Ass-Ass. So tell me...have you ever seen someone with a pine cone for a hand?"

"Uhm, well, uh, no."

"HA! Well you're about to..........HERE! Look at my left hand!

"That's amazing! You truly have mysterious powers, Citrus!"

"Yes I do, Sir Ascorbic Acid, yes I do."

Eight Ball Wizard turned to Citrus.

"Citrus, when I saw your coming in my magic eight ball, I saw you singing to a tree..."

"Oh yes," interrupted Citrus, "I sing to arboreal beings on a regular basis."

Sir Folic Acid had to ask the obvious question: "Why do you sing to trees?"

Citrus, with a wide smile and a twinkle in his eye, replied, "I'll show you!"

The four of them followed Citrus outside to a tree about 50 cubits from Eight Ball Wizard's shack. Citrus then cleared his throat, got down on bended knee, and sang in a rich voice:

"Oh lovely tree!
With your leaves and bark, hearken my plea!
I want to love you, the rest of my days!
In autumn, with your fallen leaves, I want to play!
Let me caress your bark,
In sunshine and in dark,
IIIII WANT TO LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUU!"

The tree responded by doing what trees do best: remaining still. There did soon arise, however a small commotion on one of the branches.

"See?" whispered Citrus, "Look up there!"

The other four looked up there. Up there were two squirrels...and they were mating FURIOUSLY.

"That song always puts squirrels in the mood," again whispered Citrus, "I'm not sure why, really, but the best part is yet to come. Behold...."

All five of them looked attentively at the hyperactively humping squirrels. Then, right before the squirrels finished their business, a high-pitched cry came from the female:

"Mother...of...GOD!!!"

Citrus began laughing his head off. "Isn't that cool?! I swear, every time I hear a squirrel screaching 'Mother of God' it's just like the first time! Oh man... hey come on, isn't that FUNNY? I mean, 'Mother..of..God!', you know, 'cause squirrels don't normally talk, much less loudly express sexual satisfaction."

The others might have laughed were they not so overcome with shock.

"Don't worry guys," said Citrus, "this shock will subside. It is normal to be initially overwhelmed by the hilarity of a squirrelish hyper-hump...oh, and Sir Folic Acid...THAT is why I sing to trees."

TWENTY-SEVEN

It was a typical afternoon in the town of Oaktree. That is, until something happened that made it an atypical day....

There were two men in the town library, Stasher and Weezomatic, who had been there at least five score and three fourths of a dozen minutes discussing the matter of monster lore. They had been perusing an old illustrated book regarding beasts of the rarely seen kind, and one creature in particular was the topic of their conversation.

"According to this text," Stasher said, "a doofus was seen lurking near Methenberg Village back before the Great Blizzard of Ronkle-Saunch."

"Methenberg Village," Weezomatic replied, "don't you think it coincidental that the one place it has been is outside a village whose citizens are allergic to sobriety?"

"Hmmm, you make a good point. They could have just imagined it. Look at the drawing in the book...I mean, the cursed beast is cross-eyed! It walks on two feet that point outward, it has a humped back, long neck, perfectly round head, a beak with sharp teeth, and two hands that look like they belong to an iguana! That's just not what nature typically gives us. But then again, there is one outside the library."

"What??"

Screams erupted from the citizens as this most bizarre creature was spotted near the library. The two men ran outside, and they noticed that this creature--no more than four feet tall--was holding the two-year-old child of the lady Brunhilda.

Stasher tried to calm the people of Oaktree by saying, "Calm down good people... Weezomatic and I have just researched this creature. This creature is the doofus, and it will not harm the child."

Weezomatic then spoke to the terrified mother, "Actually, Brunhilda, Stasher forgot to read the caption...the doofus might very well bite the head off your precious child."

Brunhilda began crying to her gods, and Stasher began calling Weezomatic a dipshit. The whole of the town was frightened, not knowing what fate was in store for the poor boy now in the grasp of the hungry-looking doofus. Just when the situation looked its bleakest, an unknow man cried out to the citizens of Oaktree:

"I need two chickens...FAST!!"

Everyone, including the doofus, turned to the man with the strange request. They all just stared at him, not knowing what to think. Tired of waiting, the man ran to a nearby henhouse and grabbed a couple of hens. As he was running back to the scene of the potential danger the owner of the henhouse yelled at the stranger. "Hey, those are my chickens!" The man with hens in hand stopped in his tracks and kindly informed the owner that they were now his chickens. Or, as he put it, "They're MY chickens now, donkey spunk!" The man then walked toward the doofus, until he was but ten feet away. He then pointed the hen posteriors toward the doofus, and let out a mighty yell....

"Power of the chicken!!" And with that, two eggs launched right towards the head of the doofus. After the eggs hit, more eggs hit. The stranger, making full use of the power of the chicken, hit the doofus' head with 54 eggs in a matter of seconds. The stunned and outraged doofus dropped the boy, who was quickly picked up by Stasher and given back to his mother. The stranger tried to launch more eggs, but since the chickens were exhausted nearly to the point of death, he had to find another way to combat the doofus. Throwing the hens over his shoulder, he then grabbed a cat that was conveniently walking by and began the second round of combat.

"Feline throw!" And with that, the cat was thrown. The cat was screaming loudly, right up until it landed head-first into the open mouth of the doofus, who then greedily ate the delicious pet. By this time, dusk was upon the land, and the moon was close to the horizon. The stranger gazed upon the not-quite-full moon of orange hue, and then he smiled a great smile at the doofus as he held his arms towards the clouds high in the sky, and shouted the only thing he had ever needed to shout in the first place:

"The power...of CITRUS!!!"

He held out his hand, and in his palm did phantasmically appear a lime. He took the lime, shoved it in his mouth, and with great exhalationary power launched the lime at the left leg of the doofus. Upon impact, the lime caused the doofus to simultaneously vomit and defecate. The ugly creature limplingly ran away, crying in terror. The stunned citizens swarmed around the man, all asking about the magical doofus-repelling lime.

"My name is Citrus, and mine was an ordinary lime. If good Stasher and Weezomatic had researched the doofus more, they would have known that the doofus is deathly allergic to limes."

"There isn't anything at all written about that!" stated Weezomatic.

"OK," Citrus conceded, "I'll admit it was a lucky guess."

"But limes don't grow anywhere near here anyway," said Stasher. "What could we have done were you not here?"

Citrus replied, "You could have done nothing. You would have stood helpless as the doofus ate the head of that young boy. Good bye."

As Citrus began to leave, Brunhilda ran up to him and stopped him. "Oh Citrus, how can I ever repay you for saving my child?"

He smiled, and asked Brunhilda, "Are there any minstrels here in Oaktree?"

"Well, yes, a few."

"Well then," said Citrus, "if you want to repay me, have them write a song about me. Learn the song, and sing it to your child here to comfort him in times of trouble."

"Uhm...OK? Thank you dear Citrus. May fortune always smile upon thee!"

As Citrus left the town...

...Eight Ball Wizard woke up. In the daze typical of sudden awakening he looked around, the dream still fresh in his mind.

"Hmmm," he said, "I guess that explains a few things."

TWENTY-EIGHT

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Sir Retinol?"

"Is what a good idea, Sir Niacin?"

"This whole peace thing with the Malnutrients. Think about it, sir. We get lost on the way, get assaulted by a gigantimonkey, get saved by some nature weirdo who then gives us directions to a town full of poop-flingers. We leave the town, and get fecally assaulted by yet another gigantimonkey...seems the gods don't want us doing this."

"Sir Niacin, thou art being superstitious. It is nothing more than a series of unlucky events--"

"Yeah, but POOP. I mean, we're really getting shit on here."

"Look, the road to glory is never an easy one. We have an oppurtunity here for real peace with the Malnutrients. The minstrels will one day sing songs of our great quest for peace. Like King Vitamin says, war has done our realms no good."

"But we're Nutrients. They're Malnutrients. The word 'antithesis' comes to mind...."

"Look here, Sir Niacin. Your speech is beginning to mine ears to sound like the ramblings of Sir Ascorbic Acid. His stubbornness and treasonous talk led him to his end. Is that what you want, Sir Niacin? Do you want your head removed because you are afraid of peace?"

"Uh, no sir. Not at all; I'm sorry."

And so they pressed onward. Silent though he was, the mind of Sir Niacin was full of thought--mostly fixed on the sadness of Sir Ascorbic Acid's execution. How sad it was--the great High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition dead. Killed. Executed for his adherence to logic. Goddamnit, thought Sir Niacin, what am I doing travelling on this mission? The Malnutrients can't be our allies...it's just not right. Sir Ascorbic Acid WAS right...oh how sad.

Late into that night, when all were asleep, Sir Niacin left.

The next morning, when they awoke, they were distraught....

"That damn stupid Sir Niacin," Sir Retinol said, "he has just sealed his fate."

"Thank goodness," Lord Nellum added, "we won't have to smell that nausea vapor he calls a good smoke anymore."

Sir Niacin wasn't exactly sure where he was. He didn't really care. Despite Sir Retinol's position, Sir Niacin knew that the powers that be did not want Nutrients and Malnutrients allied. That would be stupid. Sir Niacin knew this in his heart, and so hoped that he would be shown a sign proving him right....

"WHO ARE YOU?!?!"

Sir Niacin was startled by the sudden question that came out of nowhere; only it didn't come out of nowhere. It came from a very tall--and very blue--figure standing before him. A man who stood thrice as tall as a normal man, who held a large jug of mead, and who glistened with a blue hue.

"Uhm, I am Sir Niacin, Defender of the Realm of Nutrition. Who might you be?"

"BEHOLD," said the giant, "I AM.....THE SAPPHIRINE TOSSPOT!"

Sir Niacin looked at the giant...yep, the giant was sapphirine...and he was a tosspot....

"YOU HAVE DOUBTS, DO YE NOT, SIR NIACIN?!"

"Doubts? I don't understand."

"YES YOU DO, SIR NIACIN. DON'T MESS WITH ME; I'M HUGE AND I'M DRUNK. EXPLAIN YOUR DOUBTS TO ME, LEST I URINATE UPON THY HEAD."

"Well, I have doubts about my good king's desire for peace with the Realm of Malnutrition, and, uhm..."

"THE WORD 'ANTITHESIS' COMES TO MIND, DOESN'T IT?!"

"Why, verily it does!"

"FOLLOW ME, SIR NIACIN."

Sir Niacin followed the Sapphirine Tosspot. Was this the sign Sir Niacin was waiting for? Was this blue giant of inebriation the sign he asked the gods for? He didn't know, but one thing WAS for sure...his butt itched.

TWENTY-NINE

"Citrus."

"Yes, Eight Ball Wizard?"

"Thanks for saving my life all those years ago."

"You're welcome."

Two hours and 38.444444444444444444444444443674444444444444444444444444444444 minutes later, Eight Ball Wizard called to the others in his shack.

"Hey fellas! Come take a look at this!"

Sir Ascorbic Acid, Israel Jones, Sir Folic Acid, and Citrus gathered 'round Eight Ball Wizard as they all stared into his magic eight ball. Approximately 50.01 percent of the group (i.e. Sir Ascorbic Acid, Sir Folic Acid, and a flea resting on Sir Folic Acid's shoulder) stared into the eight ball with full knowledge of the people seen therein.

"Oh hell," said Sir Ascorbic Acid, "that must be the peace party sent by King Vitamin."

"Yep," confirmed Sir Folic Acid. "And of course, Sir Retinol is leading the way. You know why? Because 'A' stands for 'ass-kisser'."

The others stared blankly at Sir Folic Acid, who then attempted an explanation.

"You know...retinol, vitamin A, 'A' is for 'ass-kisser'...come on, guys, that's funny stuff."

Citrus then turned to Sir Folic Acid. "Sir Folic Acid, is your mother dead?"

Sir Folic Acid replied, "Is my mother dead?? No, not last I checked...why???"

"Because I want to mate with her."

"I think you should watch your tongue, Citrus!"

"No no no, just hear me out. My desire to fornicate with your mother has behind it a purely selfless motive...I want to give her life at least a FEW minutes of joy. After all, having to raise a son who tells such wonderful jokes must have really made her life miserable. I want to remedy her life of woe...by HUMPING her!"

And with that, Citrus found himself on the receiving end of a swift kick to the junk.

And with THAT, Sir Folic Acid found himself on the receiving end of a rhinomorphic spell.

"Hey guys, come on," said Israel Jones. "Citrus, apoligize to Sir Folic Acid. Sir Folic Acid, apologize to Citrus. Citrus, get rid of that thing growing out of Sir Folic Acid's nose."

After the quarrelling parties calmed down a bit, apologies were exchanged and noses were returned to normal.

"Hey, something's not right with the peace mission," said Eight Ball Wizard. "Apparently, someone in the group has turned deserter. I can't make out the name, but there's talk about pipe funk--"

"Pipe funk!" exclaimed Israel Jones in a frantic voice. "Oh God, the smell, the horror--pipe funk! NOOO! Great mother of......sorry guys...just a flashback. I'll be OK."

"So, Sir Niacin neutral no longer remains," said Sir Folic Acid.

"It would seem that way," added the High Defender.

"My name is Citrus, and by God, Sir Ass-Ass, I have questions that demand answers IMMEDIATELY! What I would like to know is the connection between Sir Niacin and pipe funk. I just don't see the connection...and they call ME crazy! Hoohoohoohehidyheihehihehi donkeysandvelvetoxygen...."

"Uhhh...yeah, anyway, Sir Niacin smokes a pipe, and rather than smoke a blend that's pure tabak, he smokes a blend of fine tobacco and tomatoes. Old Israel Jones here flew right through a cloud of that disgusting smoke; hence the flashback."

"Tomatoes...tobacco...the word 'antithesis' comes to mind, doesn't it?"

"Well, no."

"Hmm, so that's how it is?"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"Oh my stars!" The yell of surprise came from Eight Ball Wizard, who had this whole time continued gazing into his magic eight ball. "I found Sir Niacin...and he's not alone. He's travelling with...I still can't believe it!"

"Can't believe what?" asked Sir Folic Acid.

"He's travelling with...the Sapphirine Tosspot."

"What the hell is a 'Sapphirine Tosspot'?"

Eight Ball Wizard, with a look of slightly happy amazement, replied, "What indeed?"

THIRTY

There once was a group of scholars five
who loved to joke and loved to jive.
These five were of the most brilliant sort,
as they were the scholars of the king's court.

They spoke with sages and played with fools and
occasionally stole the blacksmith's tools and
on one occasion they had the mettle
to pour some mead in Smacky's tea kettle.

One day long ago as they played in the sun,
when their age added up was but forty-one,
along came a storm that darkened the sky,
which brought with it rain that forced them inside.

The frowns on the faces of the young scholars five
expressed a great longing for sun and blue skies.
Their mentor did see this and so set his mind
to showing the boys they could have fun inside.

"Come on now, young lads, don't be mad at the rain,
for now is the time to have fun with your brains!
All sorts of things with your minds you could do;
there are no limits, 'cept what comes from you."

So off they went, the young scholars five,
to make their ideas and their thoughts come alive.
First to the study the scholars did go,
and then to the laboratory that they loved so.

They forsook the outdoors for days and days,
even when the sun was showing its rays.
After many long hours and droplets of sweat
the boys had completed their greatest work yet.

It stood oh so high, about six cubits tall,
and when finished it really did nothing at all
until one of the scholars smacked its large head,
and this is what the man that they created said:

"I WANT BEER."

As the young scholars five began to rejoice,
they suddenly heard their mentor's voice
expressing great wonder at the giant blue man
built by the young scholars' ten little hands.

The giant they built then turned his big eyes
to see Eight Ball Wizard and the young scholars five.
He shuffled his feet and then cleared his throat
and then to them all, he verily spoke:

"BEHOLD MY GREAT PRESENCE, MY SIX LITTLE FRIENDS.
THE SAPPHIRINE TOSSPOST AM I, FROM NOW 'TIL THE END.
TO YOU ALL I PLEDGE LOYALTY, AND 'TWILL ALWAYS BE SUCH,
BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED A BEER."

And the Sapphirine Tosspot, who said nothing more,
slowly started to walk to the door.
And so it began, the trek to his date
with whiskey and mead and pilsner and fate.

THIRTY-ONE

"Smacky!"

"Yes, your highness?"

"Have the court's scholars found a cure for...oh for the love of Pete...Smacky! Fetch me a towel!"

Smacky obediently went to the king's royal linen closet and fetched his liege a towel.

"Smacky," said the king after drying himself, "what is taking the scholars so long to find a cure for my random and increasingly-frequent bouts of spontaneous urintation?!"

"Well, your majesty, I haven't asked them of their progress in some time. I shall ask them as soon as possible. Right now, though, there is someone that seeks an audience with his highness."

"Who seeketh mine ear, Smacky?"

"Well, remember that kooky lady...uhm, Madam Tape...anyway, this man who claims to be her son is wondering what became of his mother. Shall I admit him?"

"By all means, show him in."

With the king's approval, Smacky ushered in the son of Madam Tape. He was wearing a shabby cloak, and walked with a most peculiar stride.

"My king," said the man, "my name is Horace McTape. My mother, Madam Tape, has been missing for some time. I do know that she came here to offer his majesty some counsel, and one hour ere her departure to this court was the last time I saw her. I was wondering, your majesty, if thou might knoweth of the whereabouts of my dear mother."

"Let's see...Madam Tape...was she the lady that claimed to see the future in all manner of natural occurrence of quantity?"

"Indeed, your highness!"

"Yeah, well, she's dead."

"DEAD?!"

"Dead. Your mother, when she came here, was very sincere in her desire to warn me of danger, and... yeah, well...I don't quite know how to put this, but your mother was bat-shit crazy."

"My liege? Surely you must be talking of someone else, because my mother was not crazy! She..."

"...was a side-show nut. A lunatic. Yes, Madam Tape. Madam Tape was a loony loony loon!"

"But, your majesty, what would make you think such a thing?"

"Look, she came in here rambling about all these numbers and shit...after much rambling, she warned me of three rabbits. Three rabbits! Based on a bunch of poppycock about rain that fell on her head and other crazy talk, she warned me of THREE RABBITS!! Is that proof enough that your mother was crazy?? Are you satisfied, you peon?!"

"Three rabbits? Do you mean...these three rabbits...?" And with that, young Horace McTape removed the cloak that had been concealling three things: he was three-legged, he was nude save a loin cloth, and he was armed with a sword. A big sword. On each of his naked legs was tattooed a rabbit, something that King Vitamin had noticed just before Horace spoke again:

"How's THIS for three rabbits, you cursed wretch?!"

King Vitamin laughed. "You moron. At least your mother was just crazy in the head. You're crazy AND a freak of nature. Guards! Take this unnatural thing to the dungeon."

The royal guards obediently attempted to secure Horace and remove him to the dungeon. However, when the first guards were within four paces of him, they suddenly fell to their knees and began screaming in utter agony. Whenever they would attempt to stand, their pain would increase three-fold. They soon noticed, though, that if they remained still and on their knees the pain would cease. More guards came, and therefore more men surrounded Horace on their knees. Soon, he was surrounded by a dozen helpless guards.

"My goodness," whispered Smacky to King Vitamin, "what great power does this man possess?"

"This," replied the sharp-eared Horace, "is the gift that the cosmic powers have granted me. In exchange for my cooking them a hearty meal once a year, I have been granted powers that you cannot comprehend. Observe...."

Just about the time he finished speaking, the guards that were on their knees began rising in the air. They continued to rise until they were hovering ten cubits above the floor. They weren't in pain, but they were indeed frightened. One of the guards was frightened enough to empty the contents of his bladder right on Horace's head, eliciting the following response:

"Umbrella! THAT's what I forgot! Damn it all...but umbrella or no, King Vitamin, you see that I am NOT to be trifled with...King Vitamin...King Vitamin, are you even listening to me?!?!"

The king startingly looked up from blotting his lap dry. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said that I am NOT to be trifled with!!"

"I see. Well, you have verily succeeded in obtaining my undivided attention. What is it that you want?"

"FIRST, I want to know who it was that killed my mother."

"Who killed your mother? That's easy; it was Sha-mack-mack the Copious...the, uh, floating guard to your far left; nine o'clock."

Horace looked up, and the dropped jaw of the guard to his far left confirmed his identity as the man who murdered Madam Tape. Horace then winked, and Sha-mack-mack the Copious plummeted at thrice the speed of the world's pull onto Mr. McTape's sword.

"SECOND," Horace continued, "I..."

Horace was interrupted by a terrible crash of thunder. Lignting began to violently flash around Castle Trenurien. The thunder and lightning continued for a moment, then a booming voice from the sky began to speak.

"Horace McTape!! Behold the POWERS COSMIC!! Your meatloaf last night tasted like shit!! What do you have to say for thyself, Horace McTape?!?!"

Horace, still levitating eleven guards, answered. "I'm sorry!! I thought that garlic and sugar would add great flavor to the meatloaf.!"

"No, Horace, it did NOT add great flavor!! Although your pototatoes were delicious, the meat loaf was not fit for SWINE, let alone the POWERS COSMIC!! You have FAILED on your end, so now reciprocation shall be visited upon thee!!!"

And with that the lightning ceased, the sky cleared, the guards fell to the ground, and Horace stood helpless in the midst of the silence that had consumed the court of King Vitamin. It was King Vitamin himself who broke the silence.

"Smacky! Fetch me another god-damned towel! And guards, take this bastard to the dungeon!!"

Before the guards could move, the head of Horace McTape exploded. The explosion was followed by one last thunderous proclamation from the Powers Cosmic.

"Garlic and sugar in meatloaf...you dipshit!!"

THIRTY-TWO

Sir Niacin and the Sapphirine Tosspot were on the second day of their journey together, and Sir Niacin was still uncertain of their ultimate destination. He would have asked sooner, but between his smoking and the Sapphirine Tosspot's drinking, there had been little time for meaningful dialogue. That it, until they stopped for the night.

"Sapphirine Tosspot," Sir Niacin asked as they sat by their fire, "where exactly are we going?"

"WE ARE SEARCHING FOR MY FRIEND."

"Your friend, huh? Well, who is your friend?"

"MY FRIEND IS THE GUIDE OF MY CREATORS."

"Who is he?"

"I NEVER CAUGHT HIS NAME, BUT I BELIEVE HE WAS A WIZARD OF SOME KIND. SHORTLY AFTER MY CREATION, I WENT OUT TO GET SOME BEER AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM OR MY CREATORS SINCE."

"I see. Well, who are these 'creators' you speak of?"

"CHILDREN. FIVE CHILDREN...BUT THAT WAS A WHILE BACK. THEY'D BE WELL INTO MANHOOD BY NOW...WANNA DRINK? IT MIGHT HELP WITH YOUR SHAKING."

"No thanks; I kinda like the shakes. Lets me know I'm smoking a good blend."

"VERY WELL; MORE FOR ME TO DRINK. SO...UH...WHY AGAIN ARE YOU TRAVELLING WITH ME?"

"What? YOU're the one who insisted I come with you! You led me to think that we shared the belief that the peace talks between the Nutrients and Malnutrients were..."

"STUPID? OH YES, I REMEMBER NOW. ANYWAY, I THINK MY FRIEND WILL HELP YOU FIND ANSWERS. PLUS, I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND FIND OUT HOW MY OTHER FIVE FRIENDS--MY CREATORS--ARE DOING."

"What makes you think that your friend can help me out?"

"OH...HE JUST SEEMED LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WHO'D ENJOY BEING IN THE MIDST OF A PLOT TO OVERTHROW A KING. AND I BET THE OTHER FIVE WOULD ENJOY IT AS WELL--THEY SEEMED THAT WAY. BEFORE I WAS COMPLETED, I WAS ABLE TO LISTEN TO THEM...ALWAYS JOKING AN ALWAYS JIVING."

"Joking and jiving?"

"HMMM, DON'T MIND IF I DO."

And with that, the Sapphirine Tosspot stood up and began to urinate, laugh, and jig-dance simultaneously. For five minutes he peed. And laughed. And danced the most awkward jig ever danced. Afterwards, he simply sat back down and started drinking again.

Sir Niacin wasn't sure what to make of it. "Joking and jiving, huh? Well, that cert..."

"SHHH! DO YOU SENSE IT?"

"Do I since what?"

"I SENSE IT....I SENSE MY FRIEND. YES, MY FRIEND IS NIGH. NO MORE THAN ANOTHER DAY'S TRAVEL. AND HE'S NOT ALONE...."

"Who's with him?"

The Sapphirine Tosspot, with a look of intoxicated amusement, replied, "I WANT SOME WHISKEY."

THIRTY-THREE

'Twas a lovely day as observed from outside the home of Eight Ball Wizard. The air was pleasantly warm, with a slight breeze carrying the scent of fragrant blossoms from the west. The sky was as blue as blue, and there weren't any clouds at all to block out the life-giving rays of the sun. 'Twas a lovely day indeed.

"OW, I'll be DAMNED if something didn't just bite my tallywhacker!!"

"Your WHAT?"

"My tallywhacker!"

"Sir Folic Acid, what in the world...is a tallywhacker??"

"My, uh, well, ya it da...my tallywhacker, Sir Ascorbic Acid! And some bug or something just crawled up and bit it. And it HURTS! And I couldn't even blink before the damn little bug flew away."

"'Tallywhacker'; Sir Folic Acid, are you referring to your private member?"

"My WHAT?"

"Your private member."

"Sir Ascorbic Acid, what in the HELL is a PRIVATE MEMBER? I'm not talking about an organization; I'm talking about my penile unit!"

"Whatever you call it, are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah I guess so...but it really stings right now. Don't worry, though, I'll be fine."

And so it was, on that beautiful day, that Sir Folic Acid was stung on his you-know-what whilst he and Sir Ascorbic Acid were gathering firewood for the coming night. Later in the day as they were walking back with their last load of wood, they encountered what appeared to be a pink monkey. A pink monkey with four arms. And pointed ears. And three eyes. And it was talking to Citrus.

"Citrus," Sir Ascorbic Acid asked, "what is this remarkable creature?"

"Hmmm. I call him 'Practice'."

"Practice?"

"Oh yes. My skills must be in top form if I'm to have fun with King Vitamin. So I'm practicing. Practice here isn't real; he's just practice."

"So do you always have conversations with your 'practice'?"

"Of course! It's the only way to do it, if one wants to do it properly, that is."

"So what are you and Practice talking about?"

"We're talking about a possible logarithmic correlation between the number of leaves on a typical oak tree and the hourly rate of hair loss of a diseased--"

"AHHH!"

Citrus had been interrupted by none other than Sir Folic Acid, who had just walked a short distance away to answer a call of nature. Citrus and Sir Ascorbic Acid quickly made their way over to Sir Folic Acid, who had a confused and frightened look on his face. The High Defender wanted to know what was wrong, and so he asked Sir Folic Acid what was wrong.

"My...my...my tallywhacker...it's glowing ORANGE!"

Citrus replied, "You're TALLYWHACKER? What in the name of Practice is a tallywhacker?"

"Goddamnit, does NOBODY know what a tallywhacker is?! My PENIS, Citrus! Okay?! My penis is glowing orange! Yes, you heard me, my PENIS IS GLOWING ORANGE!

"You know," said Citrus, "I wish you wouldn't raise your voice around Practice. He's rather sensitive to noise."

Sir Folic Acid would have knocked Citrus to the ground, were it not for the fact that there was a sudden change in his situation.

"It's glowing BLUE now!! What in the WORLD is happening to me??"

"Calm down, Sir Folic Acid. I am Citrus, and I have the answers to your questions. You, loud person, have suffered from the sting of a swank-bee. Swank-bees have a magical luminescent sting. That which hath been stung is merely responding to my presence. Thank goodness Practice isn't so real, otherwise it would have been a significant shade of salmon."

"Fine, but why is it now blue?"

Before anyone could offer a suggestion, they looked up and saw that the answer was in front of them. And he was accompanied by Eight Ball Wizard, Israel Jones, and Sir Niacin.

THIRTY-FOUR

"Smacky!"

"Yes, your majesty?"

"I am feeling...festive."

"Festive, Sire?"

"Yes. I am in the mood for song and celebration. I would like for you to organize a festival to be held in this great city of ours. It shall be a festival to commemorate all those who have worked hard and sacrificed so that ours is a flourishing kingdom. It shall be a celebration to honor all citizens of this glorious realm. It shall be known as the "The King is Awesome" Celebration, and I want it to commence two days hence. Do you think you can handle it...wait wait let me rephrase that. Go handle it. Now."

"Yes, your majesty."

And so it went. Smacky started immediately to prepare for the "The King is Awesome" Celebration, talking to all the right people and doing all the right things to ensure that the "The King is Awesome" Celebration would be the festival of festivals; the standard by which any future festivals would be measured by.

Two days later, the "The King is Awesome" Celebration began, and it was glorious. A great many citizens of Depoy made their way to the festivities, which featured entertainment of many sorts, from sword swallowers and fire breathers to jugglers and every other cliché form of ancient entertainment. The wine and ale flowed freely, merriement was in the air, and a good time was being had by all; King Vitamin was no exception.

"Oh Smacky this is a wonderful "The King is Awesome" Celebration! Tell me, when doth the featured act take the stage?"

"They're getting ready now, your highness."

"Splendid! Bring them out!"

Upon the king's request the featured act hastened their preparations and soon took the center stage, and when they did they took with it King Vitamin's strict attention. They were a group of six musicians: the first five played various instruments (flutes, lutes, drums, what not) but 'twas the sixth musician--the singer--that was the focus of King Vitamin's attention. The singer was quite lovely...and quite short. Not three cubits tall, she gracefully made her way on the stage and was soon singing wonderful melodies to the accompaniment of her very capable band. The citizens of Depoy greatly enjoyed the performance of the featured act, and King Vitamin greatly enjoyed it too--especially the singing.

"Oh Smacky, listen to her sing! Oh how wonderful! She sings so well, and she has such poise and grace, such beauty. Smacky, I believe I have found the future Queen Vitamin!"

"I beg your pardon, majesty, did you say 'Queen Vitamin'?"

"Yes, you heard me correctly, loyal Smacky. She's everything I ever wanted in a wife: beautiful and short. After the show, Smacky, I would like for you to arrange a meeting between--"

"Pardon me, my lord," interrupted a whispering royal messenger, "but I have received some dispatches for you that perhaps you should read in private.

"Nonsense! This is a time for celebration! This is the "The King is Awesome" Celebration! I'll not spend it in closed chambers reading messages! If you have something you need to tell me, tell me here and now."

"Begging your pardon, sire, but I really think that--"

"Oh wait, messenger, I misunderstood. I didn't realize that you WANTED to be thrown in the dungeon. If I am mistaken, then demonstrate it by telling me here and now what it is you want to say."

"Very well, your highness. Sir Retinol reports that Sir Niacin has abandonded the entourage sent to talk peace with the Malnutrients, which actually doesn't matter, since our most distant scouts are reporting signs of mobilization taking place within the Realm of Malnutrition."

"Mobilization?"

"Yes, sire. It appears they are preparing for war."

After taking in everything that the messenger had to say, King Vitamin sighed.

"Smacky," he said, "postpone my meeting with the future Queen Vitamin...and fetch me a towel."

THIRTY-FIVE**

**There is some debate among historians as to whether or not this is actually the 35th Citrus Chronicle.   The uncertainty of this chronicle's place within the chronological sequence of the Citrus Chronicles stems mainly from the fact that this chronicle was not found in as good of shape as the other chronicles.   This suggests that the chronicle is older than the other ones--either too old to be the 35th chronicle, or indeed too old to be part of the same work as the other Citrus Chronicles.  One historian put it this way: "This cannot be the 35th Citrus Chronicle.  It's too old and stuff."

This view, however, is not shared by the majority of experts of the Citrus Chronicles.  Stated another historian: "This is definitely the 35th Chronicle of the Citronic Works. [editor's note: This historian is the only person who has EVER referred to the Citrus Chronicles as the "Citronic Works". He does this because he thinks it makes him sound sophisticated when he makes up random shit.] To deny this chronicle's rightful place in the Citronic sequence [editor's note: I'll punch him if he says "Citronic" one more time.] is to be ignorant of all the facts of the matter.  There is evidence that the accelerated aging of the 35th Chronicle of the Citraelianachysm [editor's note: ???] is a result of prolonged and indeed deliberate exposure to high temperatures--possibly fire--or, more fantastically, some sort of strange supernatural phenomenom.  Very few have even speculated that this chrnonicle was exposed to the very 'power of Citrus' mentioned in several of the previous Citruseliophalasmian Chronicles."

Although the debate may never be truly resolved, the following chronicle is almost unanimously regarded by credible history as the 35th Citrus Chronicle.  As mentioned earlier, this chronicle was found in a poorer condition than the other chronicles; as such, there are some portions that are either illegible or altogether missing.  Missing or illegible words will be denoted by alternating ampersands and asterisks.   Missing or illegible paragraphs will be denoted alternating ampersands and asterisks enclosed in brackets.

"It's good to see you again, dear &*&*&"

"Indeed it &*&*&"

[&*&*&*&*&]

This remark irritated Sir Folic Acid, who expressed his anger by knocking Citrus in the &*&*& with a piece of &*&*&. Citrus duly responded by magically altering Sir Folic Acid's appearance. The others in the party stood both amused and shocked by what they were seeing. &*&*& for the &*&*&

[&*&*&*&*&]

&*&*& would too if you were changed into a damn 5-legged deer!"

"Come on, Sir Folic Acid," said Sir Ascorbic Acid. "He changed you back, didn't he? It could have been worse: he could have waited until AFTER that buck started sniffing your--"

"All right, fine. Let's just forget about it."

So, as they had done a couple of times before, Citrus and Sir Folic Acid exchanged apologies and all was once again right. And why not, for acquaintances old and new were joined together in a just &*&*& next course of action could be planned on the morrow; tonight was a night for celebrating.

[&*&*&*&*&]

The Sapphirine Tosspot proceeded to urinate all over the &*&*&*&*&*&*& &*&*& NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH WHISKEY I CAN DRINK. WHISKEY, WINE, PORTERS, ANYTHING WITH A KICK. I MUST SAY, EIGHT BALL WIZARD, THIS 'ELANROCA' OF YOURS IS REALLY QUITE WONDERFUL."

"Why thank you, Sapphirine Tosspot."

The Sapphirine Tosspot, however, did not hear Eight Ball Wizard's response, for he had already begun dancing one of his patently awkward jigs, much to the amusement &*&*& who was &*&*& Shortly after he started his dancing, he began to sing:

"I LIKE TO DRINK
I LIKE BEING DRUNK
I EVEN LIKE
SIR NIACIN'S PIPE FUNK."

[&*&*&*&*&]

"Don't worry!" exclaimed Eight Ball Wizard. "For this time, I have REMEMBERED the magic anti-hangover powder!"

[&*&*&*&*&]

"Oh cool!" exclaimed Israel Jones. "Hey everybody check out Citrus! He's peeing the colors of the rainbow!"

After he finished his business, Citrus turned to everyone and spoke to them in a serious manner. "Friends," said Citrus, "with much study and practice, you too can &*&*& And with that, Citrus passed out, only to wake himself up by inadvertently casting a waking spell in his sleep.

[&*&*&*&*&]

THIRTY-SEVEN

"So here we all are. Now what?"

"I'll tell you 'now what', Sir Folic Acid," responded Citrus, "we find a wolf and pet him."

"A wolf?"

"Verily."

"Right...anyway, Sir Ascorbic Acid. How should we now proceed?"

"Well, we obviously have two objectives. We have to save the Realm of Nutrition from that stupid cartoon King Vitamin, and we also have to save the Realm of Nutrition from those cursed Malnutrients. Verily this won't be an easy task. We should start by--."

"Malnutrients?" interrupted Citrus. "You're concerned about...the Malnutrients?"

"Of course I am," the High Defender responded, "they are a serious threat."

Citrus then began to laugh heartily. "Oh I wouldn't worry much about the Malnutrients."

"Why not?" asked Eight Ball Wizard.

"Well guys, have you ever heard of the village of Vugifino? Its citizens have a grand enemy by the name of Koe-Cheez, a demon that once visited them and basically threatened to destroy their souls. Well, word kind of got to the Vuggers that Koe-Cheez was mounting an army to conquer their village. Last I heard, the Vuggers--along with a legion of trained Gigantimonkeys--were making their way towards the heart of the Realm of Malnutrition. I suppose that that marching army is the fiercest gathering of poop-flingers in the history of Practice. So yeah don't worry about the Malnutrients."

Sir Ascorbic Acid wasn't quite sure how to respond. "Well, then, uhm...I guess that's good news."

Citrus then quickly asked Sir Ascorbic Acid, "Sir Ass-Ass, have you ever seen someone with a pine cone for a hand?"

"Yes."

The two looked at each other and then began laughing. The laughter was contagious, as soon the whole party began laughing. It was Eight Ball Wizard who stopped laughing first and addressed everyone.

"Sir Folic Acid, Sir Niacin, Sir Ascorbic Acid, Israel Jones, the Sapphirine Tosspot, my beloved Scholars Five, and dear psychotic Citrus. It is time...."

It was indeed. The whole party started making their way to Depoy, where they would confront King Vitamin for the first--and hopefully last--time.

* * * * *

"Smacky!"

"Yes, my liege?"

"What...is that smell?

"Yes, well, I believe it's Sir Retinol and his party returning from their, uhm, unsuccessful venture to the Realm of Malnutrition."

"Good heavens, Smacky, they smell worse than Sir Niacin's smoke. What the hell happened to them? Did they BATHE in dung?"

"Not on purpose, sire. It seems they were assaulted by gigantimonkeys and--"

"Gigantimonkeys..."

"Yes sire, gigantimonkeys and some mad villagers that threw their own scat at them."

"Well tell them to come see me, but only after they've bathed for a week straight."

"As you command, my liege."

It was at that time that King Vitamin paused due to the detection of another odor. This was not the smell of filth; on the contrary, it was a pleasant smell. Had he known what the smell represented, perhaps he would not have it enjoyed it so much.

"Smacky!"

"Yes, your Highness?"

"Do you smell...GRAPEFRUITS?"

"Yes I do. I also smell limes and oranges!"

"Verily I wonder from where this smell of citrus doth come?"

About that time he got his answer.

"It cometh from US!" squawked Israel Jones.

King Vitamin turned and looked. There he saw Israel Jones accompanied by his entire party. The king was shocked to say the least.

"What the hell? Sir Ascorbic Acid??? I had you killed! And Sirs Niacin and Folic? And my scholars! What sort of madness IS this?? SMACKY!! Fetch--"

"--you a towel, aye sir."

After blotting himself dry, the king turned his attention back to the party. "First things first: How did you get past my guards?"

"I KICKED THEIR SOBER ASSES," answered the Sapphirine Tosspot.

"And you, High Traitor Ascorbic Acid--how are you even ALIVE?"

"Yeah, we did that." the Scholars Five did answer.

King Vitamin wasn't sure what to say. Finally he asked, "Well...what is it you WANT??"

"We want," said Sir Ascorbic Acid, "for you to give up the throne to the Realm of Nutrition."

"I see...and what makes you think I'm going to do that?"

"If you don't give up the throne voluntarily, we shall have to remove you by force. You are an imcompetent leader, you're a cartoon, you're a doo-doo head, and you're incontinent. In a word, you're terrible. You actually wanted an ALLIANCE with the Realm of Malnutrition! We're NUTRIENTS, god-damnit. Doesn't the word 'ANTITHESIS' come to mind??"

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Now because you are terrible, you must give up rule. If you don't do it on your own, we'll do it for you."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

King Vitamin looked over this party of opposition. He looked and saw the determination on Sir Ascorbic Acid's face. He saw the fire in the eyes of Sir Folic Acid. He saw Sir Niacin standing with a confidence he had never seen in him before. He saw the steadfastness of Israel Jones, the Scholars Five and their mentor Eight Ball Wizard. He saw Citrus humping the floor. He saw the Sapphirine Tosspot swaying and standing large over the others. He saw them all and made his decision.

"I...will NOT...give up rule."

Upon hearing that, Citrus stopped humping the floor. He stood up, looking straight at King Vitamin, and Israel Jones couldn't help thinking that he had never seen Citrus look so serious before. Eight Ball Wizard and Sir Ascorbic Acid both thought to themselves about that day in Eight Ball Wizard's shanty, where the coming of Citrus was foretold by the magic Eight Ball. 'This is it,' they thought, 'the moment of destiny is nigh.' Citrus made his way over to King Vitamin, stopping but a few feet in front of him, and uttered these magic words that to this day are legendary:

"Go away, or so help me Practice I'll turn you into a mustached cactus."

"Okay," said King Vitamin, "I'll leave."

* * * * *

Later that night there was celebration in the Realm of Nutrition, and it was glorious. The beer and wine and elanroca flowed freely, and a merry time was had by all. The gibbous moon was in full splendor, and Citrus was telling his story to a group of lovely ladies while he was in the form of a mustached cactus. Nearby, Sir Niacin was quietly enjoying a pipe full of his special tomatoe-tabak blend while Israel Jones did his best not to fly anywhere near the smoke. The Sapphirine Tosspot was of course uber-drunk, once again dancing one of his patently awkward jigs for a gathering crowd of amused Depoyans and eventually Citrus transformed back into his "normal" self and began conjuring fantastic explosions of multi-colored light while singing to a nearby shrub and Sir Folic Acid started kicking the ass of a stupid McScurvy brother that wondered into Depoy and Smacky became the new head chef for the Powers Cosmic and the Scholars Five with the help of Eight Ball Wizard resumed their search for a word that rhymes with "silver" and Sir Ascorbic Acid later became the new King of the Realm of Nutrition and...

...yeah, anyway Rignart, I saw what they did to King Vitamin.

Copyright © 2000-2008Stephen Bradley Earle Questions? Comments? You can CONTACT THE AUTHOR:brad@the-citrus-chronicles.com

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

TWELVE

THIRTEEN

"Oh, Sir Ascorbic Acid, there you are. You've been gone quite a while. Where is it that you've been these last days?"

"Yes, your majesty. Well, I heard about a disturbance in the Outerlands from one of my squires. It sounded serious enough for me to investigate the matter personally."

"Sir Ascorbic Acid. You are the High Defender of the Realm of Nutrition. Ours is a large kingdom with several defenders not unlike yourself. So tell me, what sort of 'disturbance' would require the sole attention of the High Defender?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"And WHY do you not want to tell YOUR KING?"

"Because you're being a smart ass!"

"So tell me, what sort of 'disturbance' would require the sole attention of the High Defender?"

"Uhm, invaders!"

"Invaders?"

"Yes, your highness! InVADERS!"

"Well, High Defender, would you care to explain these 'invaders'?"

"Cleatus?"

"Hmmm--well, keep up the good work!"

FOURTEEN

FIFTEEN

SIXTEEN

SEVENTEEN

EIGHTEEN

NINETEEN

TWENTY

TWENTY-ONE

TWENTY-TWO

TWENTY-THREE

TWENTY-FOUR

TWENTY-FIVE

TWENTY-SIX

TWENTY-SEVEN

TWENTY-EIGHT

TWENTY-NINE

THIRTY

THIRTY-ONE

THIRTY-TWO

THIRTY-THREE

THIRTY-FOUR

THIRTY-FIVE**

THIRTY-SIX

THIRTY-SEVEN

The End

Copyright © 2000-2008
Stephen Bradley Earle

Questions? Comments? You can CONTACT THE AUTHOR:
brad@the-citrus-chronicles.com